It was bound to happen sooner or later...
Ol' Fido comes in quite handy when it's co-o-o-ld outside...

SPIRIT LAKE, IDAHO--Some folks in this small town, which has endured a particularly hard winter this time around, have elected to stay indoors until temperatures warm up, but human resourcefulness knows no limits, and some citizens have taught their dogs to drive. Comes in mighty handy when you want a six-pack and a box of Cheese Nips, but you don't want to brave the cold to actually go to the Corner Store and get 'em yourself.

However, animal experts warn that Dogs, no matter how domesticated they might be, are still wild animals at heart. In short, they're more like us than we coulda ever expected. If your dog is a Pit Bull or Rottie, you might wanna think twice before letting your mutt behind the wheel. The photo below depicts a dog of a normally quite docile breed reacting to a typical traffic situation out there on the roads. Don't say you weren't warned...


It's not my fault. www.spokesmanreview.com/blogs/hbo posted a foto I couldn't resist. Arf.

Also remember that your devoted little doggie probably won't do the stoplight-thing very well, either, since dogs are Colorblind. Which would actually make the dog about as good of a driver as any Spokane, Washington motorist who Runs Red Lights Religiously.
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Okay, this was really, really stupid. A little more thought went into the new post immediately below this one. Woof.

Once again, I'm ALL EARS...
Warning: This column could be "earritating"!

It was quite an "eary" experience. I'm "ear" to tell you it was. Yep, I went to the Ear Doctor. I entered his office, the nurse had me take a chair. When my time came, she said, "come in 'ear' and the doctor will see you soon." And sure enough, the doctor entered the treatment room in his "earstwhile" manner, and the first question he asked me was, "Why are you here?" Huh? What? When a doctor asks me that, I am always taken aback because, after all, another doctor referred me to him. All I know is, whenever I refer someone to something, I tell that someone a little bit about the thing I am referring to. I guess that's not the way it works in the medical profession; just because you've gone into see a doctor about something, doesn't mean he actually knows why you are there. That just kinda always amazes me, especially since all the medical offices in the clinic down here are linked by a common DATABASE. I guess the medical software has no room for any kind of referral remarks. (If they want, I'LL give 'em a few remarks......)

But just think: in the time it takes me to type this sentence, I could transcribe the phrase, "this big goofy hypochondriac says he has something wrong with his EAR." (That would be why I went to an Ear Doctor, you see.) And, supplying those "Earnest" remarks would only take me an additional 20 seconds to input into the message. I could then hit "send" and send said message, complete with referral details, on its way. Big difference between "would" and "could", fer sure. Imagine the following scenario: say if someone with severe laryngitis goes in to see a podiatrist, and the doctor asks, "what's wrong", whaddaya do? You can't talk, after all. And the doctor knows nothing. He had no info in the referral, you see. And without guidance, he might operate on your good foot, ignoring the bad foot. Or dissect your heel when it was your toes that were hurting. At least a doctor can't leave a sponge inside your foot...or could he? Would he?

So anyway, the nurse led me into the room where the Ear Doctor was going to examine me. And, when I saw the above chart-thing (above), I knew I was pretty-much in the right place. After all, a foot doctor won't have ear-charts in his office, right? Then, the Ear doctor came in and said, "What's the matter"? Just think, if I'd totally lost the hearing in both ears, I wouldn't have been able to hear his question. Then what would he have done? Maybe he'd 'refer' my case, through the database, back to the referring doctor? And then the referring doctor would have to send the ear doctor details of my case. WHICH HE COULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE...

Near as I can tell, the nurse at my G.P.'s office (who blasted my ear with fire-hose pressure a coupla weeks ago) may have retrieved a bunch of ear wax, but she may also have pushed some of it FURTHER into my ear. And I didn't help things with the ear drops/Q-tip therapy I applied when I got home. The Ear Doctor did quite the opposite; he stuck a miniature EAR VACUUM way into my skull, and he had to clean it several times; I guess he'd run across quite a few Organic Asteroids deep in my ear canal. But the treatment WORKED! This was a case where something SUCKED, but the results were POSITIVE. I'll just hope his machine didn't suck out any of my brain cells. And I can't help but think that a Vacuum Bag for an Ear-Vac has gotta be purty doggone small.

Finally, one more observation: You remember Pinocchio, the little boy whose nose got longer Every Time He Told A Lie. Can that same thing apply to Politicians? Could that apply to body parts other than the nose? Well, George W. Bush's ears look like they're about the same size they always were, but it's amazing to compare an old foto of him to a new one. He hates that gray, but he can't wash it away. Too many lies, George! Maybe Vice Prezzident Dick Cheney had a full head of hair, which largely disappeared The Minute He Entered Politics? Still more lies from the Veep. It is an election year, and we've got candidates a-bashin' each other. Don Imus, before he got kicked off the air, remarked that Hillary's backside has grown over the years. Would that be proportionate to the amount of "truth" she tells? And, if Barack Obama becomes Prezzident, well, let's hope he always tells the truth soTHIS doesn't happen to him...

I did NOT deface this picture...I ripped it offa someone else's blog. Credit where it's due, y'know...
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Finally, if you've read all of the foolishness I've posted above, you've probably come away thinking I need my head examined. So would I go to a brain doctor, or a clinical psychologist? Depends on where I'm "referred", I guess...

It's a BIRD! It's a PLANE! Noooo, it's a...
SIXTY-MILLION-DOLLAR fireworks display!

Let's face it, Money Goes Up In Smoke every day. Gosh, money's spent on surveys, exit polls, public relations, administrative expenses, lobbying efforts, conceptualizations, predictions, feasibility studies, and all kinds of nebulous things which You Can't Hold In Your Hand or Take Home and Put On The Mantelpiece. Money just evaporates, and a lot of the time, it really doesn't buy anything. Or if it does, it's easy to come away thinking that This Thing My Money Just Bought Was Waaay Overpriced. As an example, how about something You and I and all the other taxpayers in the nation 'bought' recently?

The United States shot down a Satellite the other day. This Satellite had malfunctioned, and on board the satellite was a Full Tank Of Fuel, which authorities said could have caused all kinds of fatal mayhem in an area totaling the size of Two Football Fields. Two Football Fields. I don't want anyone to die, but...Two Football Fields located somewhere on this planet? Earth may not be the biggest Rock in the Universe, but it does have quite a few hundreds of thousands of square miles, and most of those square miles are either under ocean water, or in uninhabitable areas such as Siberia, Antarctica, or Smelterville, Idaho, so the size of this satellite actually returning to Earth and Harming Someone was for the most part Pretty Doggone Small.

I actually did a little bit (a very little bit) of research for this post, and found out that the Missile Itself (this excludes the launching mechanism, I presume), by itself cost 10 MILLION DOLLARS. For one missile. The entire mission itself could end up costing as much as 60 MILLION DOLLARS when you factor in operating expenses, salaries and adminsitrative riggamarole. A long time ago, it was speculated that if you placed one million dollars back to back, you'd be able to line 'em up to the Moon and back. So, take 60 Million...you could stretch adjacent 'George Washingtons' to The First Planet Beyond Pluto And Back. Gosh, $60 Million Dollars, for one rocket shot. This proves that Our Federal Government can Spend Money faster than Alex Rodriguez makes it. (Poor guy, it takes him an entire season to make $25 million; I think I'll send him a sympathy card.)

I have provided a photo of this magnanimous aerospace target-practice event, so that at least, if nothing else, you'll be able to see where Your Tax Dollars (or at least a chunk of them) went...here's the Actual Rocket with the Actual Missile, which Cost A Whole Lot Of Money. I guess the U.S. Air Force felt they had to spend a cool $60 million this year, or they wouldn't get the same appropriation next year for Who Knows What Which Will Then Cost A Whole Lot Of Money. So, in a way, this photo is a bit of Public Service on my part. Print it out, put it in a frame, and place it on your mantelpiece...



I can imagine that all of them folks over at the U.S. Air Force are really glad this mission was successful. This mission showed everyone around the globe just how powerful (and megalomanic) we, as a nation, are. Also, the Air Force woulda looked like a buncha HORSE'S ASSES, had this $60 million-dollar rocket shot MISSED. Meanwhile, George W. Bush is playing Prezzidential putt-putt over there in Africa, where he's hiding out because he has nothing really constructive to do in his own nation. He's not missed. Although, I wonder how much his little African shuttle-diplomacy thing might be costing...
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EXTRA ADDED FUN FEATURE: You can scroll BACK UP to the TOP of this post, and then SCROLL DOWN, and you can simulate your very own Rocket Launch for a whole lot less than our Government spent!

A different brand of HYPOCRISY...

...this time around, it involves the Broadcast Media...

A couple of days ago, Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly referred to Mrs. Barack Obama's speech in which she said she was proud of our country for the first time in Her Adult Life. Oh my, the press, ever conditioned to be negative, leaped all over that one..."ooooh my, does that mean she's not proud to be an American?" "Ooooooh my, does that mean she's always been ashamed of our country?" "Ooooooh, is this armor with which we can crucify Barack Obama's candidacy?" "Oooooh my, if we really hype this, can we get bigger ratings?" and on and on and on.

I, for one, have been really ASHAMED of our country at times throughout the last 20 or 30 years. Ashamed because we keep trying to take care of the whole world, while people in this country continue to suffer. Ashamed because we waste billions of dollars overseas while we unable to adequately take care of domestic situations, like the Hurricane Katrina situation...or trying to win a futile war abroad, while we can't keep illegal immigrants from sneaking into our country. And especially, for electing a looney-tunes idiot like George W. Bush, not once, but TWICE. Gosh, we must look stupid to a lot of people abroad.

So, getting back to Bill O'Reilly, he said he wouldn't necessary host a "Lynching party" for Ms. Obama until he had all the facts. Let's see, a Guy Who Should Know Better, using That Phrase when referring to a Black Person. Hmmm. Wait a minute here, pod'ner...didn't Don Imus LOSE his job over at MSNBC for applying a racial slur to the Rutgers' University Womens' Basketball Team, a group of predominantly black women? And, while Imus apologized profusely and even MET with the basketball team (AFTER he'd been fired, turns out), O'Reilly issued a "sort-of" apology ("IF anyone was offended by what I said"...), an anemic gesture at best.

So guess what, FOX NETWORK...because of this, I will continue to NOT WATCH your news programming, which consists of mainly pompous idiot-savants who couldn't get a job in the movies, so instead, they're spreading their fiction in news-type programs designed to manipulate the masses. I can't watch Hannity/Colmes, I can't watch O'Reilly, I can't watch that bubble-headed Glenn Beck, and the geeky Greta Van Susteren reminds me of the Ugly Girl in School who could Never Get A Date. What a bunch of dreck they spew out all over the place.

So, if Fox can dish out the dreck, well, so can I. By a sort of divine process, I can actually tell what the Prezzidential candidates are thinking in spite of the dignified fronts they try to impress the American Public with. For example, this Divine Revelation was presented to me while watching sound-bytes of the latest Great Debate. (Sound-bytes are all I can stand; watching the entire thing is...well, it's more than I can stand.) Anyway...

My saner side, which does manage to emerge thru the mire every now and then, is telling me, that with this post, not only have I been megalomaniacal, I've now become delusional. I kinda like it that, way, tho...keeps life from being (too) dull.

I'd forgotten he was gone...
It's like he never left...ZZZZZzzzzz......

Sometimes a Prezzident finds it's convenient to make himself scarce. There are times when being The Most Powerful Figurehead In The Nation just doesn't cut it, especially when there are things happening in the country which cause folks to take their attention off 'said figurehead'. For example, Our Humble Nation is currently quagmired in Election Stuff. Election Stuff is sticky, messy, and covers the nation like a spilled truckload of molasses covers an interstate highway, drawing flies and other vermin in its wake.

I was reminded by a news item on the internet that ol' Georgie W. Bushed ain't in this great nation of ours at the present time. Hey, who's paying any attention to him right now, what with all the muck and mire of the current political climate...which was just spiced up today by the semi-revelation that Repubblican John McCain might have had some sort of surreptitious relationship with a lady who had something to do with some sort of lobbying activity. John McCain? Huh? The question I have is "gosh, what could she have been thinking?"

So, with alla the stuff between Hillary, Obama, and McCain and Who Knows Who Else, our current Prezzident, who ain't dumb (well, wait a minute thar...), up and decided This Was A Good Time For Him To Be Gone. No one was gonna miss him, right? He is a lame duck, after all. He might as well Git Out Thar and See The World. Of course, he doesn't get frequent-flier miles on Air Force One, but then again, he doesn't have to endure long lines at the local airport, either. Being Prezzident does have its advantages, after all. It's so late in the game that we don't care if it's you and I who are actually paying for his latest excursion, this time to the Third World...below, is a shot of him bustin' moves in Monrovia, Liberia...



He's one funky Prezzident, huh? He might have cut a dashing figure once upon a time, who knows? Maybe, back when he was younger, perhaps he was more coherent than he is now... Maybe back then, it wasn't such an effort for him to masquerade as an actual human being; the closest he can come right now is a crude cariacture of anything resembling a semi-knowledgable individual. But, we don't care anymore. He'll be gone next January. The smell of politics and winds are a-blowin' in the air. I'll just hope I can stay upwind.

But anyway, when our Prezzident was doing the hokey-pokey in Liberia, as pictured above, it took him back to the '70s, when he used to party hearty and cut a mean rug with any lady who was unfortunate enough to be anywhere near him. This is mere speculation, but no one can absolutely deny that the following picture didn't cross Dubya's mind when the above foto was snapped...



This post is so disgusting that I'll just mercifully end it right here. I've sunk to a new low.

NINE primary defeats in a row...
...and counting...

Maybe we're seeing history being made this time around. Hillary's saying that she has the experience, and that we shouldn't have a "President In Training". Not the most original campaign platform ever. Barack Obama seems to have momentum. "We Cannot Wait", he says, after reading a litany of things that need to be fixed in this country. I never thought I'd see the day when Hillary Clinton would be hopelessly outdated. But that's how she looks and sounds on this Primary Tuesday. If Mr. Obama becomes Prezzident, I hope that he's a good one, who can live up to even a FRACTION of what he's promising.

I don't know exactly why I feel so negative about Hillary Clinton. After all, she's bright, she's knowledgable, she's outspoken, she's idealistic. Somehow, though, for her, it's all coming apart at the seams as the Obama machine gathers momentum. I don't feel INSPIRED when I hear Hillary speak. And, after 8 years of The Most Useless Prezzidential Administration That Ever Was, we don't need to be uninspired anymore. Doubtless, Obama is inspiring. I'm inspired, but skeptical. Skeptically inspired. When something's 'magic', it just sorta takes off, and that's what Mr. Obama's campaign appears to be doing. I guess we'll all see where this leads. It oughta be interesting.

In the meantime, a political illustration for y'all...



I don't think anyone can do it all. I don't know if everyone's wages can be improved, if the gap between rich and poor can ever be bridged, if indeed everyone can get quality health care, if indeed we can Stop Going To War When We Don't Need To. I'm here to tell ya Obama Is No Wizard. But maybe, just maybe, this time around, maybe things will be different. Because right now, as I write this, Obama Inspires Hope, which is more than Any Prezzidential Candidate has done this far. It's the same sense of Hope that died with Robert F. Kennedy in '68.

No, I'm not an Obama convert. But right now, he seems to be where it's at. To tackle him, someone else is gonna have to step up to the plate and hit it out of the park. And so far, no one else in either party HAS. My interest this time around is higher than it's been for YEARS. To ALL of you Prezzidential candidates...I'm WATCHING you...I'm not expecting our next Prezzident to work miracles. I just want a President I Can Be Proud Of. One who won't Let Me Down.
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In the interest of fairness, it must be stated here that tonite on MSNBC, Chris Matthews twice asked one of Obama's Texas supporters to name something, ANYTHING, that Obama has accomplished during his time in Congress. And both times, the Texas Supporter couldn't cite one single thing. Is Obama the standard-issue Democrat who promises everything but can't deliver? And what's worse, 'that', or, 4 more years of Republican more-of-the-same? I honestly don't know.

I've got DREADED WAXY BUILDUP...
...and there's nothing Johnson and Johnson can do about it!

Why? Because this Dreaded Waxy Buildup is not the kind you find on FLOORS. I went to the Doctor last week; I've been having some mild 'balance' problems ever since I had the Flu, the strain known as the Really Bad Flu, back last fall. The doc said, "well, yer balance problems shoulda gone away by now". To which I concurred, concurring as I normally concur. So he looked into my ears, (normally the origin of balance problems) and found that ever-dreaded WAXY BUILDUP in my Left Ear. He then got his nurse to work on me so he could hop away and see other patients. The doc handed me off to a nurse. Ulp. She did pull a buncha stuff out of the ear canal, then stuck some sort of pneumatic pressure-washing device up my ear canal and let 'er fly...BOOM! I thot my Skull Was Gonna Cave In. The net result of that doctor visit? I walked into the Doctor's office with hearing in both ears, and left with hearing in only ONE EAR, which means trying to listen to a stereo record right now is a rather futile thing to try and do.

So now I know, at least to a degree, how Beach Boy Brian Wilson has felt all these years. His sadistic Parental Father Figure whacked him upside the head with a "2 x 4" when he was a kid...causing Brian Wilson, one of the greatest musicians/producers ever, to have Total Permanent Deafness in one ear and he's never been able to hear, in totality, anything he's ever produced. Now, when I'm watching TV, it sounds like the sound is coming from behind and to my right, because the left ear ain't doin' nothin' but sticking outta the left side of my head, catching microscopic particles as they drift by. My left ear, right now, is a Vestigial Organ. As opposed to a Hammond Organ. No, seriously, we don't really need the 'little toe' anymore, and we don't need 'the appendix' anymore; those organs whose functions have been Phased Out over evolutionary times are known as "Vestigial". The organ is a Vestige of its old self. Like my Left Ear, WHICH CAN'T HEAR RIGHT NOW!!!

But I know my ear wants to heal. I can put my left ear ON a stereo speaker, and it hears a tenth of what the other ear (the one with no Dreaded Waxy Buildup) is hearing. So at least I haven't lost the hearing in my left ear permanently. I hope. It would appear that active hearing nerves lurk under all of the Dreaded Waxy Buildup I appear to have. The Doctor, himself (not the nurse), today, mined some more Mineral Nuggets outta my ear. He also used a Pressure Washer in my ear canal, only it wasn't nearly as forceful as the fire hose (well, that's what it felt like) that the nurse used last week. I'm wondering if the Nurse's Pressure Washer didn't further embed "the dreaded Waxy Buildup" in my ear canal. Ah, but the tale doth not end here, dear reader. I've been sent home with Ear Drops. Okay, fine. And if my ear isn't better by next Monday, I get to go to another Doctor who has an Ear machine which has teeny-tiny little forceps that are supposed to be able to grab...or blast apart...(ulp) any Dreaded Waxy Built-up masses that lurk in my ear canal.

To sum up: Before my doctor visit last week, I had hearing in both ears. I now have hearing in One Ear. I've been wrong before, but I coulda sworn that the general objective a patient would have in Going To A Doctor was that Said Patient Would Become Better. I've heard about how small-town medicine can actually cause a shortening of a life span (hopefully not MINE); at this rate, pretty soon I'm gonna ditch the medical community around here and go looking for some sleazy traveling salesman who'll open up his mangled briefcase and pull out a bottle of SNAKE OIL for me to try. And if that doesn't work, maybe I'll stick LEECHES in my ear. Hmmm...not a bad idea. They could suck out the Dreaded Waxy Buildup. And if that doesn't work, maybe I'll put my ear in physical contact with one of my stereo speakers, put on "Trampled Underfoot" by Led Zeppelin and turn the sound up to Mach-25 and BLAST out the Dreaded Waxy Buildup. I'm kinda thinking that Life is like making car payments. Once you've made the last payment, the car starts falling apart. 'Cos that's the way my own physical chassis seems to be these days!
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SINCE IT'S POLITICAL SEASON out there, I couldn't leave without throwing in this little item: In a letter to the editor yesterday in one of the newspapers down here, someone wrote in saying that the Dollar must really be in bad shape these days; Mitt Romney spent all that money in the primaries and he STILL couldn't buy votes! Ba-Da-BING!!!!

"Aw, gee, but EVERYONE ELSE is doing it!"
So, I guess that it's okay for me to jump on the bandwagon too...

For some unknown reason, it's become quite the trend to demonize the visage of Hillary Clinton. I suppose it's 'cuz she looks kinda psychotic when she smiles? I suppose it's 'cos every time she speaks in front of the public she sounds shrill? It's true, it's true, that if indeed there's any subtlety to Hillary, she sure hasn't put it on display much this political season. She could probably address the upcoming Democratic National Convention without a microphone and everyone would hear her just fine.

I have terrorized, yea, verily, lambasted Hillary's political image this time around. Who needs to scour the vast galaxy of brain cells in search of something, anything, to blog about when the political candidates unknowingly provide so much fodder for entertainment? All I can say is, "Aw, gee, but everyone ELSE is doing it!"...that saying didn't work so well when I was a kid, but I can now apply that sentiment anytime I wish and, at least this time around, I have PROOF. The photo-satire below was NOT done by me. I stole it (shamelessly) from another blog...

Maybe I should save this photo in case she wins the Nommination for the Prezzidency...I could always work my magic and put John McCain's photo where the baby's head is now...although it might actually be more fitting, from a character standpoint, to put Hillary's head where the baby's head is, and put McCain's head where Hillary's is. Ah, so many ways to go with this...

But not to be outdone (well, in this case, I might have been outdone), I decided, since EVERYONE ELSE is doing it, I would, too. So I did. I have no shame. This next photo shows our beleaguered Lady Prezzidential Candidate attempting to rally support for her campaign, which, while it may not be in a tailspin just yet, doesn't really seem to be going much of anywhere...

www.spokesmanreview.com/blogs/hbo needs to put its fotos under lock and key so I can't lambaste them.

It's just too easy...I can't help myself. I'm trying to stop, but I just can't. Everyone else is doing it, after all. Waaay too much fun...although, if I'm ever going to do something like this for John McCain, I think I'll just cut n'paste a bowl of Malt-O-Meal and put it where his face would be. He's sounding kinda mealy-mouthed these days...

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See what happens when a person has time to kill? I'm waiting for a return call from my doctor's office, which we both know WILL NEVER HAPPEN. What was my first inkling? When I was told they'd "get back to me soon".

They've had a record snowfall this year...

So I dedicate this post to the folks of North Idaho, where I used to live...

I remember winters up there very well. I remember trying to drive a cab in total white-out conditions. I remember so much snow on the rooftops, that when the snow was pushed off, it piled up, to the bottom of the roof. I remember freezing, slipping and sliding everywhere I went. I remember getting home from work and my hands would be so cold, I'd have to sit in front of a forced-air heater for 45 minutes just to get them warm again.

I remember frozen pipes which turned into bursting pipes, and the exorbitant after-hours fee the plumber charged me for fixing them. Winter was fun (sort-of) when I was a kid, but basically over the years, "snow" became just another four-letter word. And I don't miss the snow at all. So, it is to you, North Idaho Residents, that I dedicate this post (and the bird picture below, even if this species doesn't wing its way over your part of the country...)

Even the folks over at www.spokesmanreview.com/blogs/hbo are still trying to dig their way out...

You woulda thot I'd be suffering from some sort of snow 'withdrawal' symptom, since after all, not a North Idaho winter had gone by that the white stuff didn't fall...well, right now, it's 54 degrees above, the sun's out, not a cloud in the sky, and I'm finding I don't miss snow one iota. Not one single bit. Nope, not me. But I feel your pain, North Idahoans. From afar, that is. Don't give up hope...spring will arrive soon.

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I still keep a broom in the back seat of my car; I used to use it to push all the snow off my car up thar in Idaho. Just in case there's ever a snowstorm (or, indeed, over an inch of snow) down here on the Oregon Coast, I'll have it handy. Be prepared, I guess...

For an unlucky few baseball players...

Spring Training is a-startin' EARLY!

Usually around this time of year, it's still a while before we begin seeing those guys we love to watch play, yet hate 'em cos they make megabucks doing so, begin Spring Training and try to get themselves in condition, and hoping with all their might they don't pull groins, hamstrings, and tendons, or pop elbows, knees or shoulders before the Real Season begins after several more weeks have elapsed on down the line somewhere. But some of the 'boys of summer' are a-makin' earlier-than-usual appearances this year...

Used to be, athletes were known for eating Wheaties. Of course, what with the existing climate of judgmental Politicians Making Rulings On Baseball 'Cos They Have Nothing Else Better To Do In This Age Of Political Correctness (whew!), Wheaties themselves might be considered to be an illegal supplement. You never know. I don't know where I come down on this whole Steroids thing. To play at a Super Level, perhaps you need to turn yourself into Superman. I just don't know.

February ain't even half-over yet, and already baseball players are making appearances before the Joint Congressional Select Committee On Illegal, Dangerous, Immoral, Questionable and Dangerous Substances Designed To Turn A 150-lb. Weakling into a 250-lb. Hulkman (those congressional committees' names are gettin' longer all the time, it would seem), who, at his heavier, bulked-out, new-and-improved weight, has a much better chance of blowing out knees, ankles, feet, toes, hamstrings, groins and who knows what else, if the laws of stress and physics are to be taken seriously.

Last year's New York Yankees hired-gun pitcher Roger Clemens appeared today before the congressional committee I referred to above (don't make me repeat that name again!) and it seems that his appearance amounted to Verbal Hardball..."Mr. Clemens, did you take steroids?" "No." "Mr. Clemens, did you ingest any illegal substances?" "No." "Mr. Clemens, was it illegal steroids that have enabled you to maintain that muscular physique of yours long after you've basically lost any effectiveness out there on the mound?" "No...Wait...Yes...no...wait...I'm not washed up yet...am I? I don't know..." and so on and so forth...

But as we all know, A Picture is worth a thousand words...or two thousand words, if you're reading those words here. In a way, it's kinda Tragic to see a multi-Cy Young award winner grilled haplessly and mercilessly, but then again, you figure it's Roger Clemens that got grilled haplessly and mercilessly, and then you tell yourself, "hah, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy"...

"Oh no", the folks at www.spokesmanreview.com/blogs/hbo must be thinking. That's where I got this foto.

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I kinda wonder if Congress has something better to do than to pursue baseball players. If the Baseball Commissioner wants to kick players out of the game for steroids, then he should do it, and Congress should do some more important work somewhere else. Them committees ain't free, after all.

Ya Wanna Believe 'im, Dont'cha?
I must admit, he gives a good and direct speech...

I've been around long enough now to have endured quite a few Prezzential administrations, and I think "endured" is the key word here. Nixon and Watergate. LBJ and the Vietnam War. Jimmy Carter and the Iran Hostage crisis. Ronald Reagan, dogged by the Iran/Contra scandal. Gerald Ford and the Nixon Pardon. Bill Clinton and his almighty stupidity in "doing" a little Political Intern, in a government building, on government time. And, how about the contenders? Robert Kennedy, who spoke with idealism and gave a new generation hope...gunned down after his victory speech at the 1968 California primary. Meantime, Kennedy's assassin, Sirhan Sirhan is still supported by taxpayer dollars...

Even though he made it to the Prezzidency, I still see John F. Kennedy as a contender, shot down in Dallas before he had a chance to be great. He was on the way to being great. Imagine how history could've been re-shaped, had he lived. How about Walter Mondale, who could have also been great, but the attacks on him during his campaign did irreparable damage, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth, and after that, he got out of politics. I believe he was concerned about America. But he had the great Republican wolfpack to deal with. Conversely, one could look at the way Michael Dukakis' Prezzidential ambitions "tanked". Finally, let's look at what we've got now: the stupidity, sheer idiocy, graft, corruption, lies and lack of vision that the current Bush administration has exhibited time after time after time after years and years and YEARS. Fool me once, okay; fool me twice and the excrement hits the fan. We, as a nation, RE-ELECTED George W. Bush. WHAT COULD HAVE WE BEEN THINKING, PEOPLE???????

Right now, I have no reason to support John McCain. His passion is just gone, "outta here". No, I don't advocate "change" just for the sake of change, but I can't advocate someone who represents More Of The Same Old Song And Dance that we've heard in American politics for years and years and years and years and YEARS. I believe the War in Iraq should NEVER have started. True, the War may be just 'one issue', but its impact has a rippling effect on our nation's consciousness. Prezzident Bush's Ill-logic of "staying the course" has had the same effect on our nation that the Vietnam War had, during Prezzident Johnson's administration. After the REAL Vietnam War casualty amounts and atrocities were exposed for what they were, those revelations basically ran Lyndon Baines Johnson out of office. Several years later, the U.S. was run out of Vietnam. Those last scenes of desperation as U.S. copters spirited away military people and sympathizers from the rooftop of the U.S. Embassy were just awful. We weren't in Vietnam to win. We might be holding our ground in Iraq, but current Prezzential Approval Ratings suggest that America is ditching the Prezzident. Why has George W. Bush said that "Iraq is not another Vietnam"? Because it really IS.

Vietnam divided our nation, it pitted sons & daughters against parents, Hippies vs. Conservatives, Doves against Hawks, and College Students against the police (witness Kent State and the Democratic National Campaign in 1968, in which indeed the Whole World Was Watching). Another result of the war? Depleted resources in our nation. We spend so much time taking care of the rest of the world, that we Don't Take Care Of The People that Live In This Nation. Gosh, there's problems with oil, outsourcing, health care, ultra-high prescription costs, illegal immigration, and on and on and ON. I am just hoping that if, If, IF our next Prezzident can get us out of the Iraq quagmire, that money formerly spent on the war will go to ENHANCE our nation, not be channeled into favoritism and PORK. McCain has advocated we STAY in Iraq, for how much longer, is anyone's guess. Is this what we WANT?

Another reason I absolutely HATE politics is, the degree of negative spin, nastiness, and endless manipulation that succeeds in only obfuscating the issues further. I hate these now-fashionable dog-and-pony-show political debates that are just plain NASTY. I am ASHAMED of the political climate here in our country; it PANDERS to the ABSOLUTE LOWEST LEVEL; instead of intelligent discussion, we have, at least in a large part, "he said this, she said that, he supported this, she supported that; he is corrupt, she is power-hungry, yadda, yadda, yadda, FRICKIN' YADDA, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH." It's gotten so bad that I've just tuned out politics altogether. I find politics to be about as awe-inspiring as any regular Sunday Sermon that Seems As If It Will Never End, ZZZZzzzz.

What seems to set Barack Obama apart, is his ability to motivate, to ignite one's imagination. In acknowledging his "Potomac Primary" wins tonight, he said "Change won't be easy". A dash of realism there. Refreshing. Sure, maybe Obama advocates a tax-and-spend system in which government does more for the people...but, But, BUT...if we can get out of this DAMN IRAQ WAR and re-direct the BILLIONS of dollars spent financing that war, maybe, Maybe, MAYBE his advocacy of "change" is attainable. I said, "CAN be". Which implies "HOPE". What the HELL are we going to the polls for if we don't have a sense of HOPE?

George W. Bush, as much of a TOTAL IDIOT as he is, gave us hope, standing on the rubble of "9/11", saying that we were going to git Obama and all the rest of those responsible. That was over SEVEN YEARS AGO. And look where things stand now. There is No hope under this administration, there is No hope under this Prezzident, and there is No hope if WE ELECT A NEW PREZZIDENT WHO WANTS TO PARALLEL WHAT THE PREVIOUS REPUBLICAN ADMINISTRATION stood for. In short, right now, at least to me, the Republicans are not offering HOPE. "Hope" is an intangible sort of something that STIRS people. Even in tonite's victory speech, McCain came across as so smooth and subdued that he couldn't stir a bowl of Malt-O-Meal, let alone excite even a small portion of the American Voting Public.

I listened to Barack Obama's speech tonight. Yes, it is true that we have all been promised things before. We're skeptical. We've heard it all. We've heard the political jargon and glittering generalities espoused by Prezzidential office-seekers. But, Obama actually gave a political speech that was exciting, definitive, and though dignified, absolutely RAILED against the outdated policies of recent Republican administrations. And, he gives a good speech. And I Really Wanna Believe Him. I Really Do. Can Obama accomplish everything he supports? Of COURSE NOT. Impeding the forward progress any new Prezzident desires to make are senators, representatives, filibusters, lobbyists (as Jimmy Carter, an admitted "outsider", found out) as well as endless room for vast graft and corruption in our Great Political System...

I just want a Prezzident with a vision, who can actually Generate Original Thought, who can inspire, who we can look up to, who we are Proud to have as Our Prezzident. I frankly have not felt that for A LONG TIME. When George W. Bush tries to resemble a lucid human being by appearing on National TV, I just wait for the sound bytes, which are hard enough to take, let alone a full-length Bush diatribe. No, thanks. Look, I don't know anything about politics, okay? I sit on the sidelines; that's where I want to be, and I admit that. Chances are, I am one of the most ignorant people ever to live in America. That said, if I feel this way about politics, how many others feel the same way too? So I bang out these words, doing 75 words a minute, and these are my concerns, and I think there are a whole lotta oppressed folks in the U.S.A. who feel the same way (in general, if not specifically).

At this point in this post, I would like to feature the lyrics of a song by one of my all-time Musical Heroes, NEIL YOUNG, who's also been around a very, very long time. Words cannot begin to describe how proud I've always been of Neil, and how much I've always valued him. This song is from his album of a couple of years ago, "Living With War"...

"Lookin' For A Leader"

Lookin' for a leader to bring our country home
Reunite the red, white and blue before it turns to stone
Lookin' for somebody young enough to take it on
Clean up the corruption and make the country strong

Walkin' among our people, there's someone who's straight and strong
To lead us from desolation and a broken world gone wrong
Someone walks among us and I hope he hears the call
And maybe it's a woman, or a black man after all.

Maybe it's Obama, but he thinks that he's too young*
Maybe it's Colin Powell, to right what he's done wrong
America has a leader, but he's not in the house
He's walkin' here among us and we've got to seek him out...

*Remember, this song was written in '05...and maybe Obama isn't 'too young'. Look at JFK, after all...

Ol' Neil pretty much lays it on the line here. We need someone fresh, with a new perspective, with a new way of doing things, to be our next Prezzident. Is that someone Barack Obama, a black man? Maybe. Is that someone Hillary Clinton? If she's elected, I hope so. I'm not totally comfortable with her; at this point, right now, I just find her alienating, and I don't know why. And It Ain't 'Cos She's A Woman. I've long held the belief that, "why not have a Woman Prezzident; she sure couldn't screw things up any worse!" I have just HAD IT with the Bush Administration, and the sooner Next January 20th comes along, the sooner I don't have to see his ugly mug spouting forth all kinds of political deception, the better off I will be, and the better off WE AS A NATION will be.
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Anyone who's read a few of my posts has probably noticed by now that I deliberately misspell the Chief Executive's office, that of "Prezzident". And the only way I'll spell it correctly is when someone can actually bring a shred of DIGNITY to the office. I'm still waiting...

The SMELL of Politics is in the Air!
Yep, THAT'S where that odour de jour is coming from...

Hey, you know, at this point, I don't have to search far and wide for stuff to blog about, not with all of the talking heads on every single TV network ramming political-candidate stuff into the ground, until it gets to the point where they're questioning themselves over how much they actually care about all of this political crap. But by the time one talking head reaches that point, his hour-long-show is all wrapped up, and in steps the next talking head to espouse, prognosticate, analyze and skepticize all of the current political issues all over again. It's sort of a 'beat-you-over-the-head-till-you-submit' kind of thing. UNCLE! UNCLE! I've had ENOUGH!

Unless God returns to Earth to part the Red Sea once again, we're probably gonna have a Democratic Prezzential Administration come this November. Although, George Dubya Bushed will be the lamest of all lame ducks until Next January 20th...(see the 'countdown clock' in the left margin of this blog for exactly How Much Time He Has Left...) At this point, I'd settle for a candidate who LOOKS and SOUNDS Prezzidential. Someone who doesn't look like they're frying their brain matter when they extemporize before the ever-hungry public. All I know is, we need a new Prezzident BAAAAAD.

Over on the Demo side, there are two main candidates. Barack Obama (who does sound Prezzidential), and Hillary, who, if her political career doesn't go anywhere, could possibly find a career as an Air Raid Siren somewhere. Nope, nothing subtle about Hillary, not at all. I've heard lately (from one of those faceless Talking Heads) that as far as Hillary's concerned, it's all about just getting in front of the public with as much power as anyone in this ultra-fragmented nation of ours can ever hope to have. In short, she wants to Get To The White House in the WORST way. And if she does get there, it might be just that...ulp...

We all know there are, in spite of our rampant political-correctness, smoky back rooms where deals are made and negotiations are forcibly stamped down to a small concentrated electron-microscopic core that has to be reached before any further progress can be made. In short, no matter Who the candidate, no one person can ever completely have his way. It's not "sell-out" but it's awfully doggone close. Witness George W. Bush...his running mate is the only living person on the planet who could make him look WORSE...but I guess the Vice-Prezzident had a certain amount of power, coercion, and forcible persuasion...and maybe George Dubya knew this, but had to "settle", just to keep the peace within the party. And we, as a nation, RE-ELECTED them! What could we have been thinking?

Well, if the Democratic Party assumes the Prezzidential throne next January 20th, having been voted in by millions of disgusted voters who went with the least-lethal choice available, we may end up settling for a ticket like the one I've pictured below, the result of forcible persuasion in the smoky back rooms of the Democratic party...be afraid, be very, very afraid.......


www.spokesmanreview.com/blogs/hbo is the source of this poor innocent photo that I've mercilessly mangled.
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Oh my gosh, I've done gone and scared myself...after looking at this monstrous photo re-creation, I'm glad I have a bottle of Pepto-Bismol around here somewhere...

And all this time you thot I was "Apolitical"...
I think I've become a political ANIMAL!

Wait, no I haven't, but you gotta admit that's an eye-catching headline. Anyway, I don't really engage in a whole lot of political debate, and am not one of those who immerse myself within the endless swirling jet stream of hotbed issues everyone seems to be talking about (or, at least what the talking heads on MSNBC are always talking about...).

Well, a couple of important points have emerged in this year's caucuses and the debates leading up to them and from various candidate-stumpings along the well-beaten Path to the Prezzidency...first we'll deal with the Democrat side of things...it's been pretty much assumed that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton aren't exactly bosom buddies; just this week, at the State of the Union Speech, Obama actually turned away from supporter Ted Kennedy when Hillary reached out to shake Kennedy's hand...and, at a recent Democrat-candidates' debate, the following exchange Actually Took Place:



Whereas, over on the Republican side of things, it's been pretty-well documented that John McCain, war hero and candidate, and Mitt Romney (the super-wealthy-richer-than-anyone Mormon candidate) really don't like each other very much. So I suppose one wouldn't be the running mate if the other one wins, heh heh...anyway, the following exchange Actually Happened At A Recent Repubb-lican debate...


Both photos were swiped from www.spokesmanreview.com/blogs/hbo, the internet's best place to steal photos from.

I can safely tell you that all of the above candidates won their share of states, although it looks like Mike Huckabee (also a Repubb-lican) has actually displaced ol' wooden-headed Mitt Romney as McCain's main challenger. Which goes to show, I guess, that Big Money is no substitute for personal appeal; Huckabee's nowhere near one-50th as rich as Romney. I like Huckabee 'cos he plays bass guitar. As long as no one thinks he's "off-bass", he's got a shot at this thing.

I actually watched almost all of tonight's returns on MSNBC...I'm shocked; I actually DID THAT? After the returns came in, the candidates all gave post-caucus speeches, and from those speeches I gathered one thing: No One Candidate Is Going To Be Able To Do All They Said They'd Do If Elected Prezzident. But I'd sure like to see us get out of Iraq (which costs us big bucks) and throw some of that money at the health-care system. But that's just me...anything's gotta be better than what we've had for the last 8 years.
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I do have one observation which no one's thought about, but will strike you as Painfully Obvious And True...remember how Jimmy Carter became quite the statesman after his Prezzidency was over? I don't think that's gonna happen for George W. Bush...

I used to be halfway good at this, but now...

I Guess I'm ALL WASHED UP...

Waaay back when, I used to be able to predict which team would win the Super Bowl, and also the point spread. Most years, I'd be generally accurate predicting the point spread as well. Well, that 'taint the way 'tis anymore. I haven't really watched a lot of football the last couple of seasons, and my prognosticating, anymore, is just ALL WRONG. I think it all started when the Seattle Seahawks went to the Super Bowl back a coupla years ago...evidently the shock of a Seattle Team actually going to a championship game was too much for my poor ol' system to take, because ever since then, my game-prediction-equilibrium has basically disappeared. So does that mean I'll be ready for the boneyard if the Mariners actually go to the World Series someday? Well, I would be flabbergasted. But, anyway, back to football...

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This is a diagram of the average football fan's brain; overexposure to the National Football League causes one's brain to actually mutate and grow an extra lobe. It's been said that if any of the body's appendages ceases to be used, that over time, those appendages become vestigial in nature, and over the course of eons of time, "devolve" and just kinda wither away.

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I think that's what's happened to the 'football lobe' of my brain. Because I've only watched a handful of games over the last coupla seasons, I've lost it. I mean, I am no longer a peerless prognosticator. I mean, who'd have thought an unbeaten team (insert 'New England Patriots' here) would LOSE to a two-touchdown-underdog team (insert 'New York Giants' here)

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The New England Patriots' offensive struggles against the Giants looked even worse than the whippin' the football team of my old alma mater, The University Of Idaho, would take, were it to go up against any second-division high school team from any of the small wheat-field towns which surround Moscow, Idaho (the hometown of the Vandals, where the chief Tourist Attraction is 'Paradise Creek'...when it has water in it, that is). Of course, now that I've said that, the ol' Vandals will go undefeated next year, getting all kinds of lucrative Bowl offers. And half of the TV audience tuning in to an Idaho Vandal Bowl Game wouldn't even know where Idaho IS.

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So I'm a tired ol' has-been. I don't dare bet more than a wooden nickel on any kind of competitive thing anymore. I'm all washed up. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. Run me thru the wringer, I'm all wet. Tie me to the tracks, 'cos I'm derailed. As far as the Super Bowl (which, for me, is the Stupor bowl, especially with the outcome of this years' game), I should've taken into account that the Patriots had some really close calls late in the season, coming from behind, or only winning by a coupla points. But, no...I thot, "they're undefeated and shall remain so." That's about as risky a prediction as George Bush saying that we're gonna win the War on Terror. As soon as we can find out the one place in the world where Terror originates, yeah, we'll be right on top of that one. Maybe ol' Dubya oughta be a football coach instead of Prezzident; that way, his losses wouldn't result in fatalities. He kinda acts like he once played football...without a helmet.

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Okaaay, so now "Super Sunday" has pretty much come and gone. I would imagine that some lucky punters in Las Vegas won a heckuva lot of money by betting on the Giants. Okay, now "Super Tuesday", the Political Dog-and-Pony show involving all the Prezzidential candidates, will be happening in a couple of days. Am I going to try and predict THAT? Well, no, other than whoever wins will be a POLITICIAN, and you can Take That for all it's worth.

BLOG ON THE RUN...
Stuck inside these four walls...blog inside forever...

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Well, that's what it feels like sometimes. I'm trying to change that. Today, I don't have a whole lotta time sitting here in front of the keyboard, but actually that's a good thing, because perhaps I won't get as long-winded as I usually do. So I'll just kinda plunge in here...

THE STUPOR BOWL: I heard on the radio just now that this year's Super Bowl, featuring New York in one corner and New England in the other corner, is supposed to be the most-watched Super Bowl ever. Although I imagine 75% percent of viewers will either take bathroom breaks or find some other good excuse to extricate themselves from the TV room when Paula Abdul sings...meaningless her, her meaningless image and meaningless music. She's said that she's gonna be so nervous performing at the Stupor Bowl, that she's taping her performance. So what's the difference? A lot of the Super Bowl entertainment is lip-synched anyway. The saving grace in all of this is that Tom Petty (with the Heartbreakers?) will furnish some of the music, which is a GOOD thing. Just think of it...a Stupor Bowl performer with some actual CREDENTIALS. I hope he does "Runnin' Down A Dream"...my idea of a Perfect Rock Song.

THINGS 'R' SHAKY IN CYBERSPACE...I heard that YAHOO (where my e-mail is, by the way) laid off over a thousand employees this week. And now I hear that Microsoft is making a bid to buy Yahoo...hold on, wait a minute, what's gonna happen to Yahoo? Will it get wiped out and absorbed into MSN? I have an MSN Hotmail account, but I like Yahoo's ways of doing things better. Gosh, think of it...MSN taking over Yahoo...that would be analogous to Starbucks' gobbling up Folgers' and Yuban... just goes to show that things in the cyber-world have a way of reflecting what happens in Real Life. Take it over. Hostile takedown! Knee to the groin! Slam him on the map. And the winner is....? I guess in the big bad world of business, the title of a Jerry Butler song from 1969 would fit here..."Only The Strong Survive"...

COFFEE IN THE LANGUAGE OF YOUR CHOICE: Brothers and sisters, let's all heave a collective sigh for Starbuck's, the coffee conglomerate who's house coffee always tastes like it's been strained through a basketball player's sweaty and smelly Nike hi-tops...Poor Starbucks, and I really feel sorry for them; their megalomanic profits haven't increased as much as they were expecting, which means the Board of Directors can only give themselves a $100,000 raise instead of a $500,000 raise. I'm thinking about buying a couple cans of Safeway Premium Roast and sending it to Starbucks'. Wait, that's what they use anyway, ha ha. Starbucks is gonna open fewer outlets here in the States, but they'll open more abroad. Also, Starbucks' is gonna close 100 "poorly performing" stores in the States. Gosh, first Yahoo on shaky ground, and now Starbucks...The World As We Know It must be ending....again...

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? I was interrupted while typing the previous paragraph by a phone solicitor representing Charter Communications, the outfit that handles my cable TV. He must have been calling from India or Pakistan or Siberia, because I could barely understand him. He called me so that I could SAVE MONEY. Immediately, I was suspicious, so I asked him, "Okay, Bub, what's the deal? No one wants me to SAVE money, right?" Well, he said things have gotten so competitive in the cable TV business that my prices are getting lowered so I won't switch to another cable provider. Okaaaaay, fine. A technician is gonna come by, install some sort of digital converter, and I'll be getting MORE channels for less money, for the six-month introductory period, and when my rates go back up, they'll still be cheaper than what I'm paying now. Now, if we could only get GASOLINE providers to operate with the same logic. Ah, but that can't happen, since most of our fuel comes from a few GREEDY mid-east gasoline manipulators. Anyway, a Cable-TV outfit calling to save me money...I must be going into cardiac arrest or something. Be still, my heart...

SEPARATED AT BIRTH? In the left margin of this blog, you'll see Beatles news on the "What Goes On" box; you can click on that and find out what's happening, although John and George don't seem to be making a whole lotta news these days. By the way, "What Goes On" is one of the more obscure Beatles songs; it was on the flip side of the "Nowhere Man" single, and allegedly contains some lyrics written by Ringo, as well as John and Paul. Anyway, Paul's been in the public eye a lot lately...his "Memory Almost Full" album has just crossed the million-seller threshold...which is great; that's how he's gonna pay for his divorce from HeatherYoko. A London Newspaper snapped a shot of Macca walking down the street...and then came up with this comparison...

At left, Paul McCartney ("Macca")...at right, the late great Roy Orbison, whose song, "You Got It" is playing on the radio right now as I type this...I've noticed throughout my life, when I think of a performer, within minutes I'll hear their music somewhere; must be some sorta cosmic thing. And it's happened AGAIN...I mentioned George earlier in this section, and right now, "What Is Life" by George is on the radio! This is just waaay too weird. But enjoyable. I think all of us have cosmic powers, but we're not smart enough to harness them in any positive way. Although, maybe if I grit my teeth and think REALLY hard about gasoline going down to $1.50 a gallon, perhaps it'll happen. I'll let you know how that one works out...
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Of course, the title for this post was inspired by McCartney's "Band On The Run" song, which will have been released 34 years ago this year. Side one of that album has one of the best song-to-song flows I've ever heard. That album contains a song called "Nineteen Hundred Eighty Five"...which was so far away at the time...and now, '1985' is 27 years ago. Maybe if I really really grit my teeth, I can get time to stop. It's worth a try!