Friday, September 28, 2012

I think we've all seen this coming for quite some time now...

I've kept this blog going since the year 2003. That's the better part of a decade. I've been turning my soul inside-out on my best posts, and have been marking time with my not-so-good writings. I was just over 50 when this thing began; now I'm staring 60 in the face. This blog served a valid purpose for me during the first years of its existence; I was able to express frustration, anger, joy, desolation, happiness, sadness and I shared all the good and bad times here. So what's my problem? Simply put, I just don't have any reason to keep this thing going anymore. My heart's not in it. My days are just as full as they've always been; I'm still the same person I was; I still love Oregon and am glad I moved here. I'm still playing guitar, taking photos, and enjoying life as much as I can.

I'm just running out of mental energy. So why don't I just keep the blog going and post once or twice  a month?, you ask. Because it's more irritating if I place upon myself the thought that I need to put something in the blog. It nags at me. I used to feel all self-important after I posted something high and mighty; I'd read back over what I'd just written, not really believing that yes, I was this person who posted all that. I used to swing violently at issues, politics, politicians, and others who I wished would Just Go Away. I used to think I could show everyone how smart I really was by writing on all kinds of topics, and that's a by-product of my low self-esteem; I was the Paper Man inside the computer spewing forth all kinds of stuff, whether I cared about what I was writing or not. Getting out there in front of people was my objective. All of a sudden the playing field was leveled. Here I am, world, and I'm here to take you on!!!

But I'm not smart. I'm not gifted. I don't have any unique insights into anything. I've long thought that I should do a post on "Who and What am I, This Person Who Blogs?" But I've shared enough over the years, through all my old posts, and readers can come away with an educated opinion of who this person is behind the computer screen. Rather than this blog being All I Do, as it was in the first several years of its existence, nowadays it's often the last thing I think about doing, which happens by the end of the day, when I'm just too tired to care. Finally, Facebook has a lot to do with this decision. Rather than sit here, trying to "compose" for hours and hours, laboring over detailed posts and photo inclusions, when I think of something, I can zip over to Facebook, and just toss it out there. Every fully-developed blog post of roughly this size takes me at least 2 or 3 hours to complete. It's not as if I'm dashing this stuff out with reckless abandon. These blogs make me feel like I'm doing a Term Paper. Ask any of my former teachers...I never EVER did a good term paper.

But Facebook is getting old, too. It's like a big cyber-billboard for the entire human race, and I weary of the religious and political issues that people seem to plaster all over their Facebook Walls. I'm really tired of all the bible verses and new-age homilies I see posted everywhere on Facebook. But there's enough happening with people I know, former colleagues and classmates as well as current friends, to keep me coming back. I'm not saying Facebook is a wonderful be-all, end-all, but it is a convenient way for people to communicate. I used to wonder if anyone at all read my blog; I do know for a fact people read what I write on Facebook. And I hardly ever read anyone else's blogs, but it's refreshing to know what's happening in a capsule-sized Facebook tidbit. It just fits my limited attention span better at this point in my life.

I'll close out this last post with a development that happened to me not long ago. As I've blogged about on occasion, I did not have a good relationship with my Dad and I never really did. But I loved him, although he was hard to feel close to. The thought of him has always brought turmoil to my life. He could cut me down to size and make me hate myself, and he often did. Imagine my reaction when I saw his name in the topic line of an e-mail I was sent last month. This person had information on my Dad. Turns out his Dad and mine were on the same Bomber Crew in World War II. He never spoke of his Wartime Service, other than he was a "bomber pilot over Germany". And so he was...

Third from the left in the back row is My Dad, with his crew. Dad and one other guy in this photo survived the war. Flying one of these huge B-17's was hazardous. I am told of one mission where the Germans made swiss cheese out of the plane, the bullets ripping through the plane, which began a tailspin headlong toward Earth. 500 feet off the ground, Dad managed to pull out of the tailspin and get his crew back to safety in England.

Here is my Dad's airplane in flight. It was originally named "Gypsies", but was renamed "Blood N' Guts". He flew at least 35 missions, bombing various encampments and industrial sites in Germany. There are some videos on YouTube which feature the B-17 in all its glory, and as I watched young men readying their planes, assembling for duty, or attending pre-bombing meetings to discuss strategy, I found myself looking for Dad.

I was literally stunned and the old feelings of uneasiness returned when I'd first received these e-mails about my dad. Those feelings turned inward, chewing me up, and all of a sudden I felt like a 5-year old kid who was being punished for something. Over the last couple of weeks, I find myself coming to a sort of peace about all of this, now that I know a little more about him. The above crew photo was taken in 1944. I was born ten years later. I'd never seen Dad this young before. I'm sure that all his life he was trying to deal with bad wartime memories in addition to dealing with everyday life. My Dad was Strong. And he always was. And when Mom died, he didn't feel as strong anymore. I think that's part of it.

So, folks, that's about it. It's a fitting way for me to close out the blog, by including something important and definitive. I'm sure I'll see you on Facebook, as well as some of you on "Huckleberries", the blog maintained all these years by D.F. Oliveria of the Spokesman-Review newspaper. It's an interactive blog, and it's absorbing and thought-provoking. It'll be a couple of weeks before I delete this blog; for those of you who live in Coeur d'Alene, you might want to comb back thru my old posts where I used to pass along a whole lot of area history. Take care, everyone...


Blogger Steve said...

Dave...before you go...

I've got a question from my neighbor...they're the current owners of the 12th street house.

Was the room on the north end originally the garage? It now has a sliding door that opens to the east.
You can answer me at


11:19 AM  
Blogger Word Tosser said...

I keep coming back to see if you will add more.. but I guess you really are serious this time...
I will miss your post, Dave.. you always have had a great blog.. One of the first one that I use to read in the beginning about HBO.. I wish you well...and thanks for the laughter.. the beautiful pictures.. and the times you made me think.... keep the music going..

2:33 PM  
Blogger Idaho Dad said...

Rest in peace, Dave. I hope you enjoyed the music.

7:09 PM  
Blogger MarmiteToasty said...

Hope you find your peace (((Dave))) .... thanks for being my friend ... RIP matie... you were a great bloke xx

6:24 AM  
Blogger Word Tosser said...

Hope your new journey brings you sweet music and a great jamming session with John Lennon and the rest of the musicians you love... Thanks for the memories, Dave...

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