I THINK I'M ADDICTED...
...well, they say admitting it is the first step of recovery...

When I don't have 'em, I crave 'em. When I have 'em, I can't get enough. Oh, how images of them dance through my mind until I can get to my supplier and score another batch. Yep, it's those little white pills I'm addicted to. Most everyone takes 'em and those who take too many of 'em can't stop what they're doing either. Or so I tell myself. When I open up a new batch, I know my senses are more than ready to experience that terrific rush once again. Sometimes I buy two cases, so I have a ready supply while home, as well as in the car. I'm so hooked on 'em that I take 'em while I'm driving. Or walking. Or sitting at the beach. It's gotten so bad that I now take 'em in public; what do I care? Let 'em point their fingers at me! Some days I'm stronger than others; sometimes I haven't had any little white pills all day, but sooner or later I experience that familiar yearning feeling once again, and I can't stop myself.

Just now, I took another little white pill. That's right, folks; I had to pause mid-blogpost to take another one. You are reading Affected Blogging. Don't say I didn't warn ya. I don't think my habit is controlling me, though. I mean, I can stop anytime I want to, right? Sometimes my cravings are non-existent, and then all of a sudden, over coffee, or out shopping, or straddling my exercise bike, my brain yells to me, "Stop what you're doing Now, and take another Little White Pill!" I fear that I'm becoming a slave to chemicals. But I can always tell myself the Little White Pills aren't hurting me. I don't have to cook any potboiling substances; I don't have to mix in gallons of Clorox with cases of antihistamines and pieces of tar that fell off my roof during last year's winter winds .All I do is lay down the money, stick 'em in my pocket, and then look all around me to make sure no one noticed my furtive actions, and then rejoin the rest of humanity, who may or may not be as addicted as I.

The culprit? TIC-TACS! They're out there, at every grocery or convenience store. They're even at my drugstore, and best of all, I DON'T NEED A PRESCRIPTION! They only contain 4 calories per pill, but I've taken so many that I probably won't have to be embalmed when my time comes. They don't increase my heart rate, they don't make me perspire, they don't interfere with my coordination, and I Can Get Them Anytime I Want. In fact, I can't get away from them; they're EVERYWHERE!!!

What brought this on, you ask..It's a long sordid story, filled with peaks and valleys of cascading emotions and desperate yearnings. Those of you who've suffered all these years trying to make sense out of what I write will remember (or are trying to forget) that I had to have All My Teeth pulled out back in '08...or was it '09...the time seems to be going so fast these days. For the most part, I'm fairly comfortable with the equivalent of two hockey pucks in my mouth. I understand that some people SLEEP in their dentures. That doesn't work for me. I've tried it and when I'd wake up, I'd feel like I'd been subconsciously banging my head against the wall. Nope, not for me. The ol' mouth needs a rest once in a while.

Dentures are cumbersome things that feel slightly better in your mouth than an old pair of Converse Sneakers. Sometimes after a meal, I get a really weird taste that reminds me of three-day-old Milk left out in the sun too long. (I had to take another Tic-Tac after that last analogy...) And that's where Tic-Tacs first entered the picture. Wow! That refreshing relief bursting into my mouth, like a cool ocean breeze. It's a rush, all right. And although I've never been a smoker, I think I might have at least an idea why people smoke Menthol Cigarettes. After a Tic-Tac, my mouth is Fresh as a daisy! Wheeeee!!! But I still maintain that I can quit anytime I want. Really. I don't have a problem. Do I?

I'm part of that age demographic which is known for purchasing Dentu-Creme, Polident, PolyGrip, Fasteeth and whatever else. (all Registered Trademarks). My demographic is  known for consuming Ensure by the case. My demographic is content when we find a laxative that works. (No, I don't O.D. on those.) (Although I crave Chocolate...help, I'm sinking fast...) My demographic hasn't been aware of which singer/group is the latest musical sensation in the last 25 years. And I'm a full-fledged, card-carrying member of The Denture Society. The sheer irony of my situation is (almost) hilarious. I actually have two teeth still in my jaw, which serve as the anchors for my lower denture. And I spend more time cleaning those two remaining teeth than when I had a full set of choppers.

Imagine what our founding fathers went through, getting their teeth pulled. I heard that George Washington wore wooden dentures, which is probably the reason why ol' Georgie-boy isn't smiling on the One Dollar Bill.