ARTIFICIAL LIGHT OVERDOSE...

...As Applied To Seahawks' football...

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Sunday Afternoon Football. It makes my life complete. At least for one day. That's the way it used to be, anyhow. Having endured one of the worst Baseball Seasons, this year, by Any Team, Ever (Seattle Mariners), I've finally recovered enough to actually tune in to Seahawks' Football games. The 'Hawks are in the AFC's Western Division, and every team in that division has a losing record. So while 'the least losses possible' is a great way to win the division, that doesn't have to be backed up with a great deal of wins, as was forcibly demonstrated during today's Seahawks football game. The division's so bad that a team has a chance of winning if they Lose! Whoopee!

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The Seahawks leaped out to a 7-0 lead on a first-quarter carry by Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. In for the score! No one touched him! Neato! Once in the end zone, however, he pulled up lame; he evidently mis-stepped, due to an awkward landing; either that or he was shocked by the fact there was a Hole he could run thru untouched, and strained himself, trying to keep himself from falling over in disbelief. Well, ol' Matthew limped to the sidelines and the #2 quarterback was put in, for the rest of the game. When that happens, most of the time, it means a team will fake its way thru the remaining portion of the game and end up losing, and today's game was certainly a manifestation of that, with the Seahawks being virtually quarterback-less for 3/4's of the game.

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So, the game was a total waste for the fans in the stands. The 'Hawks would score no more the rest of the way. Actually, there wasn't even much of a reason for keeping the TV on. Thank goodness there was another game going on at the same time on another network, meaning that meaningful football was being played somewhere else in the world. Although, I kept checking in to see how much the Seahawks were losing by again and again. Folks, this is called Football Masochism. How bad are they losing NOW??? By then, the announcers, ever-perceptive, had told the fans (before the game was half over), that "this week's game doesn't mean anything anyhow because Next Week's Game will prove who wins the division, and the Seahawks, win or lose today, will still have a chance to win Next Week!"

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It's a good thing football fans can't find out, in advance (with the use of a Ouija board or some other means) that "Today's game won't mean anything, so you can just Stay Home and Save Hard Cold Cash". I suppose, though, that Seahawks fans are also fans of the Seattle Mariners, where every game is an exercise in futulity. Like I said, We're Used To It. Also, the vast lockdown Mother Nature imprisons us with, those unyielding Eternally-gray skies full of rain which normally keeps folks in their homes on weekends, forces people to get out of their houses and go somewhere else and do something, anything, legal or not. I'm fully aware of how that feels. I'm sitting in the brightest room in the house with all the lights on and the shades drawn. Call it Psychic Survival. I'm a great candidate for the scourge of ALO (Medical term meaning Artificial Light Overdose).

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So I thot, "well, tonight will be great anyway, because after all, Sunday Night Football is coming on"! Except that didn't happen. Tonight's game got SNOWED OUT, with Philadelphia's Mayor telling everyone to Stay Home! (Which I imagine Seattle fans woulda done today, given the chance.) In closing, you're right, I didn't mention the opponent's name, 'cos I can't remember it, but it doesn't matter, there's no point, and I'm so dis-interested right now I can't be bothered to go to an internet Sports Page and actually find out Who Else Played Today.

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So what am I watching now? Re-Runs of "The Smoking Gun Presents 'World's Dumbest Drivers" with commentary by Danny Bonaduce, Tonya Harding and Alec Baldwin, among others. Tonight, the official Dumbing-Down of America has begun. Wheeeee!