Saturday, September 11, 2010

...a Journey To The Center Of The Mind...
Gotta keep that blog-monster happy, and the only way to do that is to feed him Over and over and over again. And I've done that, right here, for going on six years now. I began this blog in a really hyperactive state of mind, sometimes posting 3 or 4 times a day. As you can see, my posting frequency has really diminished. Sometimes I feel bad about that, but I'm at the place where a week (or two) will zip by in a flash, and then the old Guilt Complex emerges for a workout, and so I gotta get busy and put something here. I've seen this "thousandth" occasion approaching for a while, and have stepped it up a bit; maybe I just wanted to get it over with, because at my previous blog-post rate, I wouldn't have made it until about December, or next year. So what's happened? Why don't I post a lot anymore?
I've lived in this Southern Oregon Coast small town for almost 4 years now. I was looking for something different; I was looking to slow down a bit and meet some different people. And most of all, I wanted to Go To The Ocean. Surprisingly, my existence has actually rendered itself quite active over the last few years.
Until just recently, I was going out to play music two or three days a week. I thought that going somewhere new was going to open up a whole new musical world for me, and to an extent it did. But I've also found that all the same ol' ego issues that musicians have are here, too. I was turned away at a jam session. One of the musicians said I didn't "look" like a musician, and he didn't know if I could play or not, but he wasn't about to take a chance. I walked out of the place not believing what had just happened.
So I tried to start something totally different, playing guitar while several hand-drummers played along, and for a while it worked. But the coffeehouse where we were playing now has new owners, and we got kicked out. There is no person as volatile or insecure as someone who has just bought a business; they're afraid they aren't going to make money, they are inexperienced, and most of all they're PARANOID. Two weeks before, one of the new owners actually came out and played hand-drums with us. Two weeks later, I was met with my guitar and amplifier in hand, denied entrance. They said people had been complaining about the noise. If I wanted to play in there by myself, they said I was welcome to do that. But the hand-drummers I've met are friends of mine. It just didn't feel right to consider playing there, without them.
Until just recently, I had kept parrots, which can be just like taking care of kids, although birds never grow up. It's said that owning a parrot can be like putting up with a two-year-old. And I've found that parrots Absolutely Drive Me Nuts. I love birds, but no matter how tame they might be, they're slaves to their instincts and it's the birds' needs that are front and center all the time. I'd feel guilty if I left the bird alone all day, and when I was home, I'd feel like I had to tip-toe around all night so as not to disturb the bird (or birds; I've had pairs of birds several times). I've been bitten more times than I'd like to remember, but with each bird, I tried all I could to make things work. I've cried sometimes when I had to get rid of a bird, but birds Just Don't Work For Me. I'm not sure if I'll ever try keeping a bird again. I've also thot about getting a Dog. Right now, "I'm" all I can handle.
Previously to moving down here, I had lived in my home town for a total of close to 40 years. The town was getting too big and too hectic; it changed so drastically over the years and I just didn't feel at home there anymore. Plus, the winter cold and hot summers and allergies in-between were something I just didn't want to experience anymore. I needed a change. Some days I wonder why I moved away, but those are counterbalanced by the days when I'm So Glad I'm Here. Some days, I'm lonely. Other days, I'm glad I'm alone. And on other days, I feel like I'm in harmony with everyone and everything around me. I've also met some really good people down here; unpretentious longtime residents who I admire because they're so nice.
So I don't have a place to play music, but that's okay. My guitar never sounded better than it does when I'm playing it at the beach. So I don't have birds anymore. I can watch the Seagulls, Cormorants and Pelicans. And I realize a post like this sounds pretentious, precious and weak, but I really do feel as if This Time, Right Now, I'm supposed to take the time to slow down even further and nurture myself back to an emotionally secure state, and for very many reasons, that's the toughest job I have. To stay sane. I've made a whole lot of mistakes and bad judgements and have hurt a lot of people in my life. Some memories will never go away. Skeletons in the closet, if you will. Overcoming that can be quite draining at times.
The days are getting shorter as autumn approaches. September and October are truly the days to experience on the coast because there isn't as much fog. The sunsets are clear and stark in a beautiful way. The sky and ocean are a deeper blue than usual. And occasionally I'll met someone I know (or someone I don't know) and we'll shoot the breeze for a while. At 56 years of age, I'm still trying to fit in, never knowing if I really do, and trying not to worry about it too much even though I do. Mostly, now, I'm by myself, operating at my own speed, and when the sun's out, enjoying the scenery around me. I'm going to start taking some trips to other places here on the Southern Oregon Coast, taking my digital camera with me. Photography has become something that I Really Enjoy. And it's hard to take a bad picture here. For example...

At left, a beach view through the grass to a small modular shelter in which its occupants are trying to keep out of the wind. At right, it doesn't matter if you can't see the sun sink all the way below the horizon, the views are great anyway.
I have no idea if this blog will live to see 2,000 posts; the tentative plan is to try and publish once a week. And I've got more online photos at, username 'digitaldave72'. For now, the blog-monster's been fed, and it's time to put him to bed. Lights Out!


Blogger Word Tosser said...

That is the great thing about aging... we have less to be respondible for except ourselves... so we can do as we please, as long as it is
Still doing great pictures...

12:23 PM  
Blogger Lil ol' me... said...

Hi, Cis...I like your black cat...glad ya like the pix; I guess I'm not losing my touch. And I do try to stay 'legal'. It makes life easier that way. Mostly, I'm too tired for illegalities anyway. Thanks for commenting.

12:31 AM  

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