THE DAY THE TITANIC SANK, THE DAY LINCOLN DIED...
...oh, it must be my Birthday again...
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Fifty-six, how about that. Actually, I'd almost forgotten. And it probably doesn't matter. After all, it's just "time", right? All of us, just going through however much time any of us has left on this big bluish asteroid-thing flinging its way through Space. I don't look for 'events' which define my existence; I'm not especially observant of holiday events these days. I'm turning into a stick in the mud. I haven't gone to a July 4th celebration in two years now. Maybe I'll toss a Turkey TV dinner in the microwave for Thanksgiving; I just don't do big get-togethers with people anymore. I've been through my wild drinking days for a long, long time now. I don't really party or celebrate much of anything. I'm at the point of trying to 'flow with the curreent'. If anything, I just need to be easier on myself. That's my biggest fault, and it's tough to overcome. Some people have egos. I don't have one. So I'm just kinda bumpin' my way through life.
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OKAY, UNCLE SAM, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I made a huge stink back a while ago when I refused to mail in my Census questionnaire. Why? Because, stamped on the envelope was the admonition, "You are required to fill this out BY LAW". On TV ads, or in newspapers are listed all the good reasons to fill out the Census form. "Each Census Answer will get the state of Oregon $1200 more dollars in a calendar year". Or, "Do Your Part as an American". But my census form arrived in a menacing envelope THREATENING me with recourse should I not fill out my form. The very government I'm paying for, will PENALIZE me if I didn't fill out the damn form. Go to a restaurant, and scream at the waitress, "DAMMIT, HURRY UP WITH MY FILET MIGNON AND YOU BETTER NOT BRING ME ANY OF THAT CHEAP ROTGUT WINE", and imagine the response you'd get to that. I don't like to be pushed around. BY ANYONE. So when I saw the threat of legal recourse on my Census Envelope, I just tossed it. I think the Federal Government has absolutely no skill in trying to Understand People. I got an e-mail explaining to me why I should fill out the form. Whoever composed that e-mail did their best to be human about the whole thing. And so I got with it. Another Census form arrived in my mailbox, again THREATENING ME if I didn't fill it out. But I filled it out. It will soon be in the hands of some mid-level pencil-pushing bureaucrat android who is probably paid waay too much for what he does. One more thing: April 15th. My birthday. And it's also when income taxes are due. Whoopee.
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A TAXING SITUATION: Every year, I go to the free tax help service which is operated by Senior Citizens who donate their time. Which means the federal government gets a whole lot of brain power it wouldn't otherwise have, absolutely FREE. Plus, think how much the Gov't is saving by E-filing everyone's return. Hmmm...those gov't guys are sharp sometimes, aren't they? When I get to the tax place, I bring in all my papers and statements and I have absolutely no idea what's going on as they sift through various income amounts and percentages...I try to look them in the eye as if I'm actually understanding what they're trying to tell me. It's sort of like Charlie Brown in the Classroom. You know, where the teacher's voice sounds like "wok a wok a wokka-wok". Which is probably what dogs hear when we try to talk to them. "Wok a wok a wokka-wok". (The dog is thinking, if I can figure out what he's saying, I'll get a treat). "Wok a wok a wokka-wok." (Is he saying 'fetch?' I can do that!!!) Ruff. Anyway, back to the taxes...The Senior Citizens obviously have long backgrounds in tax preparation; they know their stuff. And it's a lot more affordable than H.R. Blockhead. Matter of fact, it's FREE. Now that's the best service YET.
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THE EYES HAVE IT: My Eyes absolutely refuse to work together anymore. When I'm mangling my laptop computer (as now), I'm basically looking thru my Right Eye. The screen totally blurs in my left eye. But when I read in bed, I'm looking thru my Left Eye, since it focuses up closer than the Right Eye. So when I'm trying to write something (you know, "writing", that thing we used to do before computers), I see two different lines going two different directions and I'm lucky I can write a sentence, let alone "War and Peace". (You know, a book; those big things we had before the internet.) When I go shopping, in most cases anymore, I just put my glasses in my pocket and stand back as far as I can from the item I want, so I can see its price...with one eye or the other, depending how far away I'm standing. When I take pictures with the digi-cam, I pull my glasses halfway down my nose, so I can look over them and see what's in the picture I'm about to take. And guitar playing becomes guesswork; on the upper side of the guitar's neck are little 'dots' which tell you where you're at; I can't see those dots. This is just getting NUTS. So I'll be getting new glasses. Almost $150 for the eye exam, followed by THREE EASY PAYMENTS of $170 each! (Am I starting to sound like Billy May yet?) "BUT I'M NOT DONE..." It would be cheaper if I was going for plastic lenses, but I'm a wipe-yer-glasses-on-yer-sleeve person, and plastic lenses can't endure that for very long. I know from experience. So, it's glass lenses for me. Glass lenses might weigh more, but when you consider I'm already carrying around a size 8-and-a-half head, I don't notice the extra weight.
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BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS...Well, I can't do either, 'cos I have dentures; I can just hear it now; "CRACK" followed by my dentures reduced to shrapnel inside my mouth. But Baseball season is here! The Seattle Mariners aren't playing tonight (Awww...) so I'm watching a minor-league game right now...the Colorado Springs Skysox and the Portland Beavers...tied 1-1 in the 11th inning. (The Portland Beavers ended up winning 2-1) But of course I've cast my lot with the Mariners. They had a slow start to the season, but events over their last couple of games show some fairly surprising hitting power from some of the players they traded for. One of them is Milton Bradley; every time I hear his name I think of the manufacturers of Board (as opposed to Bored) games...you know, in the TV commercials...made by Milton-Bradley!!! The Mariners have won their last two games, those being home games; hopefully they can do a little better on the road, but we'll see. Meanwhile, I've got my 25th Anniversary-of-the-Mariners baseball (which came out several years ago), and recently at a Thrift Store I found a brand new 2007 "Opening Day" baseball. Alas, it looks like the local radio station isn't carrying Mariners' games (!!!), but that's okay. If I park my car in a certain place near the ocean, I can pick up 1080 'The Fan' out of Portland, which is at least 250 miles from here. A fan does what he must in order to survive. Or I can just go home and watch it on cable TV.
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Seen on a Church Billboard down here: "The oldest form of Social Security is Suspenders." And, just today, another one, in the guise of a bumper sticker..."Prevent abortions...use condoms". Sage advice for the ages, for sure.