HOW LOW...CAN YOU GO...?

...my eyes done popped outta my skull...

We're always checking each other out, whether we admit it or not. And like it or not, we're sighted creatures; we all have eyes and we use 'em, so in a way, I can't help it. When I see a lady wearing a low-cut top, or tight jeans, or the almost-nakedness of a bikini wearer, well, I can't help it. I notice. The best I can do is to Get Away from where I am, so I don't make a fool out of myself and/or embarrass the female I was gawking at. I am trying to be a good human being, after all, and that transcends anything carnal. Most of the time. But sometimes, things just seem to happen to me, right in front of my eyes, sending me into an almost instant catatonic state of brain-freeze...

I was sitting in a restaurant, waiting for my lunch on Clam Chowder Day (Friday), when in walked two young girls and an older lady (their Mom?) and they sat down in the booth in front of me. One of the young ladies was as skinny as a human being could ever hope to be, and were it not for the protrusion of her hip bones, her low-cut jeans would've slid off right in front of me. The top of her jeans, where they buckled, was only about two and a half inches above what I'll tactfully refer to as "no man's land". Plus, she wore one of those brief tops that are about 3 sizes too small, which revealed a good half-a-foot of her torso, from the bottom of the top to the top of the jeans. And I was amazed. Naked flesh in a restaurant. Oh my...

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I wanted to look some more, I really did (and most likely, I probably did) (well, I did, okay? I stand accused...) The young lady sat down, removing her midriff from my view, which was just as well, because my food had arrived anyway. But...you can go to banks, grocery stores, Wal-Marts, just about anywhere, and they're all over the place! Young girls all dressed up in outfits that look like they were PAINTED on. You see 'em on TV, you see 'em in commercials, you see 'em in the catalogs...I'm no prude; I'm not disgusted...I just wonder if they're comfortable wearing such tight outfits in public. It's almost as if dressing like that is the female's way of saying, "I'd walk around naked if I could, but the law says I gotta wear clothes". Blame it on the fashion industry, I guess. (or the lack of a fashion industry?)

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I can't get comfortable in tight clothes, and I never could. I need to let the air circulate; I need to let the roll around my middle hide behind something, and above all, I need to know that it's okay to bend over and pick up the quarter I just dropped on the floor without fear of rupturing the seat of my pants (admittedly, not a pretty picture). If females want to wear spandex-tight clothing, that's their business, and I certainly don't mind, but mingled in with the attractiveness of what I'm seeing is a feeling of uncomfortability at seeing a body imprisoned in clothes so tight, that the wearer most likely had to put 'em on wet, and let 'em dry as she wore 'em. And believe me, if I, an old goat, notices this stuff, then think about all the young hormone-driven teenage males out there; they're probably in heat all the time. Can you say "highly combustible"? I knew ya could...

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I realize it's hypocritical to point out a problem without at least some idea of how to remedy 'said problem', and I think I've come up with a solution...bear with me here...maybe the young males who let the waistlines of their jeans sag down to their knees could perhaps donate the extra fabric to some female who can't breathe deeply because her clothes are so tight...? And then everyone would be happy. Otherwise, come bedtime, all the young girls out there sporting tight-fitting clothes will spend a major portion of their formative years contorting themselves in order to slide out of their outfits the way a snake sheds its old skin. "Uggggggh! Unhhhhh!"

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Meanwhile, I'll just sit here in my T-shirt and jeans and thank my lucky stars that some enterprising individual, quite a while ago, had a bright idea: The Belt. You know, that strap-like thing that keeps my jeans from falling to my knees...