THE DUMBING-DOWN OF AMERICAN SOCIETY CONTINUES...

...and, it's more pathetically blatant than ever...

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Example #1: Coors Beer Commercials: Maybe everything else in the Beer Industry has been tried, in terms of getting consumers to choose one brand over another. Yep, that's gotta be it; ad execs high and low are a-fishin' around for all sorts of new-fangled ideas; this time, it's "beer insurance". You are Now Protected from a sudden onslaught of Warm Beer. In short, Coors Beer Cans feature a depiction of Mountains, and, get this, some special ingredient in the emblem makes the mountains turn BLUE when your beer is Cold Enough To Drink. Huh? What? Uhhh, I've always used the old-fashioned way to determine if a beer is cold enough...first, I Touch The Can...and if the can feels cold enough, I then proceed to drink it. Usually when a can feels cold, the beer inside is cold as well. That time-tested system works for me, although I now use it largely on bottles of Pepsi. In short, don't use your brain or tactile senses...the folks at Coors want you to wait until the EMBLEM on the label turns blue, 'cos your senses of touch and taste might be DECEIVING you. Gosh, some pseudo-genius on Madison Avenue got paid thousands of big bucks for that lame idea...and if you buy a stupid can of beer 'cos the stupid label on the dumb can turns blue when it's cold, YOU are lame TOO.

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Example #2: Mercedes-Benz Commercials: Usually the car ads sail by without me noticing them much anymore, and this one almost did, too...until my ears perked up in best "Huh? What?" fashion...well, the hell with advertising MPG and Warranties and Special Purchase Incentives...Mercedes-Benz is now touting its latest feature: The light-up dashboard will Warn You when you are exhibiting behavior similar to what a Tired Driver might exhibit. In short, the Car lets you know when you're too fatigued to navigate the car any further. Huh? What? I use the old fashioned way...I'll sense that I can't hold my eyelids open...or, perhaps a few telltale yawns yank my jawbones apart...and, if those two things happen, I Know I Am Tired. I DON'T NEED THE DASHBOARD LIGHTS OF AN OVERPRICED STATUS-SYMBOL OF A NEEDLESSLY EXPENSIVE CAR TO TELL ME WHEN I'M TOO TIRED TO DRIVE!!! I'll conclude this Rant Against Dumb Commercials by asking: Are we just supposed to Swallow every Stupid Idea that TV Commercials saturate us with? F'cryin' out loud, Wake Up, America!!!

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Maybe He's Not Dead Yet?: Billy Mays...that name conjures up images of American Households Burying Themselves in heaps of household gadgets that they'll probably end up using once before tossing it back on the heap again. I was shocked when, late last week (after he DIED), I saw a commercial for something-or-other, with BILLY MAYS resurrected, as if he'd never taken that Last Long Turbulent Plane Ride. You know, the one in which a typewriter or anvil or something fell from the luggage rack, bashing him in the head. And, I thot, "how tasteless...the body's not even COLD yet." Well, I got it on good authority from an Authorized Source ("The Donkey Show", a relatively unknown and exceedingly hilarious radio program...program?) Anyway, evidently ol' Billy-boy filmed a few new obnoxious spots just before his passing...I guess Mays' family was contacted, and whoever is in charge of slinging annoying commercials on the Tube got the go-ahead. In short, BILLY MAYS LIVES! Hey, he looks healthier after his death than Elvis looked after his. Ya gotta hand it to Billy...He Did It His.....Wayyyyyyyy....thank yuh, thank yuh verrah-much...

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Much ado about not very much: That pretty-much sums up how I feel about Baseball's All-Star Game. What is it for? Oh wait, follow the money; there's TV rights and radio rights, and money being sent every-which-way. Consider that Ichiro Suzuki flew across half the nation to Get One Hit in the All-Star game. Whoopee. The baseball season consists of 162 (I think) games, so if the players need a break (All-Star break) for 3 or 4 days, let 'em rest! Who cares Who Wins the All-Star game, really? Answer: NOBODY. A few years ago when the game went into extra innings, and there were No Players Left To Be Substituted In The Lineup! And what happened? The game ended in a TIE! But wait...if indeed "it ain't over 'till it's over", as Yogi Berra once chortled, it WASN'T OVER and YET IT ENDED. Again, "Huh? What?" In short, How Can It Be Over when it's Not Over? Sounds "off-base" to me. (It had to be said...) And, no, it did not end in a tie. The American League won, again. The National League is winless in post-2000 All-Star games. As if anyone really, really cares...

Now, MLB tells us that "It Really DOES Matter" who wins the All-Star game, because the outcome will determine which league has Home-Field Advantage in the World Series, which at last count, is HALF-A-SEASON-AWAY from the All-Star Game. Who CARES? We don't even know WHO'S gonna be in the World Series, let alone care about the outcome of an Irrelevant Exercise In Baseball, which is what the All-Star Game IS. I think I'd rather watch Soccer than the All-Star Game. And I can't STAND soccer! There's just not something right about a game in which you can't use your ARMS, except for a few instances, such as when you smack your opponent in the face while trying to gain control of the ball. And I NEVER watch the NFL's "Pro-Bowl". What's the POINT? It's a useless exercise which occurs after the Super Bowl, when NO ONE REALLY CARES about football, cos it's over because the Season's Over. But I'm sure there's a lot of revenue generated by that game, too. Oh, wait: someone does care...can you say 'oddsmakers'? I knew ya could...

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Mercifully, this diatribe has reached its conclusion. Thanx for stickin' with me. Do You realize that I've spent an entire post nagging about Stupid Things On Television? I think I need to go out and Get A Life.