A PRODUCT HE NEVER GOT TO ADVERTISE...

...You've Never Seen Anything Like It!

-

Are you sick and tired of your favorite celebrities passing away all of a sudden? Have you had enough of friends and relatives who are here today, and gone tomorrow? Are you afraid your family is going to go bankrupt trying to pay for your funeral? Are you looking for a way to keep yourself, as well as those close to you, from going through the morasse of crying, weeping and gnashing of teeth that always seems to accompany death? Think of how grateful your loved ones will be; think of how happy your friends will be; think of those who can't stand you, all of a sudden finding out that you are not DEAD...revenge is sweet indeed...

-

Introducing RESUSSO-CREAM, the brand new way to extend someone's life! Or Yours! Now you can buy instant security for those around you! Use it on your friends and relatives who don't have long to live; after only two uses, you'll find it PAYS FOR ITSELF! Facing a messy reading of the will? Put it off! Not Ready to hear another eulogy? Save it for another time! Now you can extend the lives of friends, loved ones, TV pitchmen and even Yourself! Resusso-Cream contains Special Secret Ingredients which apply the principles of Instant Regeneration (developed by Leading Scientists) to the Human Body!

-

Just Apply Resusso-Cream to your Scalp, let it soak in, and then Think Positive Thoughts about someone you know who isn't long for this world, and, POOF! BAM! POWIE! Extended Life for the person you've thought about! Your friends will be amazed! Total Strangers who would never give you five minutes' time will suddenly flock to your front door, begging you to extend the life of a sick but wealthy relative, and who knows, you might be in line for part of the inheritance if you do! Be the first one on your block to own this instant method of Destiny Control! With Resusso-Cream, you're in control! You're in the catbird seat!

-

Are You Afraid of a Heart Attack? Are You Worried that You'll Be Hit By A Bus while crossing the street? Think of everything that's out there, just waiting to Kill You Every Single Day...that's reason enough to slather yourself with Resusso-Cream before you go out the front door! With Resuss-O-Cream, you can postpone such maladies as Cancer, Strep Throat, Shingles, Shady Surgeons, Hospital Bills, The Legal System and Much More!!! Of course, we can't promise Eternal Life, but we can give you a few more years to get your things in order, or take that trip-around-the-world that you've been putting off.

-
RESUSSO-CREAM is the easy way to Put Off Death, At Least For A While! Not Ready To Go Yet? No Problem. Keep a big Family-Size bottle of RESUSS-O-CREAM at home for your loved ones, and keep the Personal-size bottle in your pocket; you never know when you'll need it! And if that Bus does run into you, the personal-sized bottle of Resuss-O-Cream is designed to shatter upon impact, insuring that Resuss-O-Cream's magic Life-Extending fluid will seep into at least a couple of your pores, insuring that you won't die, at least for the forseeable future! Buy now; you'll get the Family-Size and Personal-Size bottles of Resuss-O-Cream for the low, low price of only $17.95!
-
But WAIT! If you order within the next Ten Minutes ('cos you know we can't do this all day), we'll DOUBLE your order...that's Two Family-Size and Two Personal-Size bottles of Resuss-O-Cream for only $17.95! And the first 250 people that call in the Next Ten Minutes will receive a Free Bottle Of Instant Embalm, to make sure that when Resuss-O-Cream no longer works for you or your friend or loved one, that you'll leave behind a good-looking corpse! Plus an Extra Special Bonus... you'll receive our special CD single of Blondie's immortal classic, "Die Young Stay Pretty", FREE! Don't wait any longer! Just Pay Extra Shipping And Handling! Here's How To Order:

-

"send a stamped undressed elephant and several hundred pounds of something illegal, immoral and fattening to Resusso-Cream, 1595 East-West Avenue North of South Central Whatever Avenue in whatever particular state of mind you happen to currently be in."

-

Billy Mays was found at home today, not alive. His return flight home yesterday was ultra-turbulent, and while seated in the plane, something fell, striking him in the head, but reportedly he said, "No Worry, I've got a Hard Head." Whether or not that was the cause of death remains to be determined. He could've used some Resusso-Cream. Rest in Peace, Billy...