These are hard times...
...and in some cases, DUMB times, too...

FROM SOUP TO...Everyone's been blogging about this, so I might as well jump on the bandwagon...ol' Vince (you remember him from the Sham-Wow commercials) is now hawking a product that can slice and dice anything that stands in your way. He chops onions! He chops eggs! And, he's also chopping filberts, cashews and the like, and at the end of that segment, he says...


What Do I think of Vince as a Pitchman? Remember the old 'ring-around-the-collar commercials? Yeah, he's that obnoxious.

I guess my mind must be in the gutter, but that's what caught my ear the first time around..."huh?" "what?", and sure enough, the second time around, my jaw just fell open...(my Tweety-Bird impression...) "he TEDD IT! He TEDD IT! He Willy Willy TEDD IT!" Turns out the machine he's ground his family jewels in is called the "Slap-Chop". Which is what someone oughta do to ol' Vincy-boy, who doesn't have enough "cred" to sell Second-hand Chevy Nova's or Ford Mavericks at Joe's Lemon Lot.
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THEY GET PAID FOR DOING THAT? Lately, I've been watching the dumbest-ever TV show; it's on Tru-TV (which used to be Court-TV), and it's presented by the "Smoking Gun". Basically, each episode is filled with stupid stuff people do, such as trying to drive a 4-wheel drive up a steep rock wall, and the vehicle flips backwards, 'thud', landing on its roof. You know, socially-redeeming stuff like that. The funniest part, though, is the illustrious panel consisting of some of your favorite train-wreck personalities, such as the drug-infested Danny Bonaduce (sweet lil' Danny Partridge, remember?), Crowbar-wielding Tonya Harding, ever-clueless, ever mentally challenged, Gary Busey, who's gotta be one of the ugliest actors I've ever seen, and several others who'd be standing in a soup-kitchen line, were they not famous for, and being paid for, their capacity to be Sheer Idiots most of the time. And they provide commentary for Dumb Stuff Other People Do. Er...that doesn't say much for me, does it...? I watch the shows, after all. Uh, neverrr mind........the program promos promise, "stuff so dumb, you'll feel smart watching it." Me, well, it leaves me stupified. Are We Really That Dumb?


Danny Bonaduce...they start out so sweet, but then they have to grow up...
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TECHNOLOGY TAKES US OVER: You've seen 'em everywhere; people yakking on cell-phones while reading road maps and all of a sudden, finding themselves in terrible situations (Screeeeech! Skiddddd...CRASH! Crrrunch.....) A teenage girl was fatally injured recently by a car in Eugene, Oregon, as she was crossing a busy 5-lane thoroughfare...witnesses said she was using a Cellphone to talk on or text-message as she was crossing the street, (yep, she was walking) and sure enough, the device was laying on the pavement at the accident scene. So be careful, people...we all know enough not to drive distracted, right? (right?) Maybe a person shouldn't be Moving At All while using a Cell-phone.
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THE YOGURT FACTOR: This country's heading for a major depression, if indeed we're not there already. And, it's a Weird World Out There. Thankfully, the price of Gasoline has come back down for a bit (I paid $2.13 a gallon yesterday), and, get this, people, Yogurt Containers Have Shrunk. For a minute I thot I was seeing things; something didn't look quite right. And I really didn't realize it until I'd eaten my nightly batch of Yogurt. I was still hungry. And it turns out that your little individual-serving plastic Yogurt Containers have by-and-large shrunk from 8 to 6 ounces. That's a new trend in the system We Know and Love as Capitalism. Trick customers into buying a product by keeping the price the same; instead, though, MAKE THE CONTAINERS SMALLER. You know, I'd just rather pay more per ounce and keep the container size The Same.
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FROM "A TO "Z": I bought two in-concert DVD's recently...and they couldn't have been more different. The first one I watched was ABBA in concert. "Abba?" Why are you listening to WIMP MUSIC, you must be thinking to yourself...all I can say to that is, they wrote some of the best melodic pop that I've ever heard ("Dancing Queen" is an absolutely magic song), and they can even rock out a bit, as they did on one of their last hits, "Does Your Mother Know?" And, those Abba women...they're both BABES. No babes in the next group, though...ZZ Top. Recorded at a Texas performance, this group, well, what can I say, not a whole lot, although their music is great. Both guitarists just kinda putt around the stage, occasionally doing primitive little shuffle-steps, and the drummer hardly moves, but really, they're motionless most of the time and yet somehow they crank out that ol' Texas blues-rock that's sounded so good for so long.

I have to ask, though, "hey, ZZ, what's with the beards?" Ain't it kinda impractical, on a 100-degree Texas Day, to have to put up with a BEARD that hangs down to your navel? Maybe they wear 'beard extensions'? Irony Department: The only ZZ Top member without a long beard is the drummer, Frank Beard. I'll always hold ZZ Top close to my heart, though. They're the authors of my Old Dorm-Room Official party song, "La Grange". YEE-HAW!!!!! The great thing about the ZZ Top DVD is that they packed almost 45 minutes of extras, including their performance of "Foxy Lady", and when they did, Jimi smiled down from above.
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The Ford Maverick (mentioned above) was voted as one of The Worst Cars In History. Hmmm; my Dad bought me one for my high school graduation. A car that size with a 200 cubic-inch engine. Our LAWN MOWER had more power!