Everything You Know Is Wrong...
Sometimes, GREEN is Not "Green"!
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Sometimes it amazes me, the things one can glean from newspapers. Actually, these days, with all the layoffs in the industry, I'm amazed I can manage to even FIND a newspaper. But seriously, folks...it all started when I scanned the Editorial Page; you know, the portion of the paper where Those With Almighty Journalistic Integrity, Scruples, and Educated Judgment proceed to lay all their personal insights on the rest of us, and we, the readers, not only get to read the bad news, but then have the Editorial Page editors and writers tell us all what that bad news MEANS. What amazes me the most, however, is the fact that I have not yet even begun to approach the Subject of this Post...hmmm...does that qualify me for space on the Editorial Page....? Anyway, one such Editorial Offering informed me about the Very Deep Meaning of Michelle Obama (That would be the current White House Wife) planting a vegetable garden on the posh back lawn of the White House. This would be that same back lawn that generations of Presidential Gardeners have been paid overinflated thousands of dollars to maintain in years past. In short, the White House Back Lawn Turf is gonna be unceremoniously ripped out, to be replaced with stuff like Zucchini, Radishes, Onions, maybe even Rhubarb and Artichokes. And yea verily, the White House Wife and the White House Daughters will till the soil and harvest the agricultural bounty yielded by the earth-laden soil, and All Will Be Good and All Will Prosper. (Where did THAT come from? And why did I write that?)
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As the Wise and obviously diluted-into-a-stronger-mix copy in this article on the Editorial Page proceeded, it went from the 'Specific' into the 'General', by commenting on Grass in general. The "legal" grass, that is. Grass in the form of Yards. Not the three-foot-yard, but the concept of Yards, as in front yard and back yard, and more specifically, the grass in those yards. Now I had never looked at it this way before, but the Writer of This Obviously agonizing-over-every-word Editorial Article pretty-much painted the picture of the traditional Lawn as being oxygen-consuming, yielding absolutely nothing, and perhaps being nothing but a Wasteful Tending Of The Soil. In short, you plant grass, you mow it, you water it, but what does Grass Really Do? You can't eat it, I'm sure you couldn't smoke it...no, Grass Just Sits There And Performs No Practical Function Whatsoever, according to this Editorial Page Writer. And as such, the Average American Grass-laden Yard tells the world that we don't have initiative to instead rip up the whole damn thing and put a garden in its place in this age of financial cutbacks everywhere. Grow Yer Own Food, no matter what the cost of Putting In A Garden turns out to be. Ack.
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There's an old Debating Tactic called "Begging The Question", in which one small point is seized on and magnified to an excruciating degree, and thusly, I have done just that here, regarding the subject matter of this pending lawn-to-farm-at-the-White House Editorial comment...Obviously, the writer was imploring us to Put Away our Lawn Mowers and get out Our Shovels! Yea, verily, it's our duty as AMERICAN CITIZENS to TEAR the grass OUT of our yards, put in plants, and hope to have a good harvest before Winter Winds begin to whip most of the country into a desolate icebox in which nothing will grow, until the next spring. In short, a GREEN lawn isn't "Green", ecologically speaking anymore. To that, I say this: I HATE digging weeds. I HATE the annoying hayfever when I get close to anything even APPROACHING a garden. I don't grow things. I just don't. I think Garden Work is the most tedious, hellaciously BORING work that I've ever done. I'd rather mow the lawn than being involved with anything that has anything to do with a garden. And I can't STAND lawn-mowing. And I don't really like vegetables either. Where's the air conditioner? Just leave me out of this...I just wanna go sit in the shade for a while...
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So why am I spinning my wheels with this diatribe? For one reason, mainly. The House where I Grew Up was situated on a large Corner Lot. We had 26 Pine Trees on that lot, and I mowed that lawn many a time. It's hard to mow a lawn when you're sneezing several times a second 'cos the hayfever's invading the ol' sinuses, but I survived. But mostly, I remember throwing the Frisbee with my Dad, or tossing the baseball back and forth with a friend, or shooting the basketball on the backyard court, or sitting in the lush grass with My Dog At My Side. I remember outdoor meals, and my Mom as she tended the her flower garden, which had Huge Plants in it every year, turning it into a virtual jungle that our longhaired cat, "Rascal", went hunting in. The Yard signifies to me life and good times, and to this day I cringe at the thought of Being Somewhere That is Not Green. How someone can live in, say, Elko, Nevada or in Death Valley, or almost anywhere in Whitman County, Washington is Beyond Me. Most of all, I miss the Frame of Mind I had when I was a kid, out laying on the Grass. It was a secure feeling that I Just Don't Have Anymore. And I haven't had Quite That Feeling for such a long time now. I cherish the memories, though. But this editorial writer pretty-much portrayed the Lawn as an Earmark of laziness on the part of the American Public. What a shame...all that land that could be PRODUCING something, and what do they do? They grow GREEN GRASS INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, they must be awful people! So now, I have to try and weasel my way out of this subject, so let me quote an old song...
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"Green, Green, it's green, they say, on the far side of the hill...
"Green, Green, I'm going away, to where the grass is greener still..."
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This next subject has absolutely nothing to do with lawns, grass, or anything green, or "green" for that matter...although you can presently find them everywhere, perhaps on a sidewalk around which there may be growing some grass, weeds, or maybe someone dropped a Green dollar bill in one...I'm talking about the Phone Booth, that cultural hallmark which Rose to Fame when Clark Kent began changing his clothes in one, turning into Superman. Of course, nowadays, it's probably best to try to stay away from people who undress in a phone booth. Alas (sigh), the Phone Booth is Going The Way Of The Dinosaur. They're Not Needed Anymore, not really. Just another part of our Cultural Heritage we're losing...
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This foto came from the Spokesman-Review, which is still "printing" as of this writing. Hang in there, guys.
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Finally, the song lyrics quoted above (in GREEN) are from a song titled, logically enough, "Green, Green" by the New Christy Minstrels, which was a big hit back in 1962. You know who the lead singer on that song was? None other than Barry McGuire, who later on performed a Cheerful Little Toe-Tapping Ditty titled, "Eve Of Destruction", a #1 Big Boss Mindblowing chart-topping record. I'll bet Bob Dylan wishes he'd written it...