Sunday, February 22, 2009

This post has been updated...The latest in my Bird Saga...
Every End Is A Beginning...
...and often "Letting Go" is the toughest decision of all...

You've probably heard of ongoing relationships where one partner, or the other partner, or both partners change(s), and because of all those changes, the relationship becomes difficult to maintain. Maybe it's my lot in life; maybe it's just me or maybe it's just the way things are. Perhaps some of it revolves around the realization that you just can't be the ideal match for that someone (or something)...maybe it's the realization that you just cannot figure out what your partner wants anymore...I'm not talking about personal situations between a couple, although, if that couple is married, and nothing works anymore, my advise would be just to get away from each other, divorce if you have to, because life is too short to be constantly frustrated at someone or something that you're close to.
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"Okay", you're wondering. "What's going on with him?" Well, okay, here goes: I've written in this blog about my little Meyers' Parrot, Jill. Over the last couple of months, her behavior changed; she didn't like being out of her cage the way she used to; she'd be ready after an hour to go back in the cage. Then she'd make it plain she wanted out of the cage, so I'd take her out...then after a while, she'd want back in. That would happen several times in an evening, which drove me NUTS. She'd chirp harshly, over and over 'til I'd reached the brink of insanity; I'd let her out, and then she'd want back IN. (AUGGGHHH!) Sometimes when she was on my shoulder and I tried to interact with her, she'd actually bite at me and give me a weird little "parrot growl", informing me that I was either doing the wrong thing, or doing too much, or she just wanted to go back in her cage. She'd be on my shoulder and if I barely moved my head, she'd growl. I know that birds rely on their instincts, and for the longest time I tried to tell myself that. I really tried to tell myself "she's just being a bird" but I never could come to terms with that growl. You know, the whole 'rejection' thing. It was actually getting to the point where she'd open her beak, bite at me, growl and then HISS, and when a bird does that, you are definitely doing something wrong. This was fast becoming an unhealthy relationship.
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All my life, I've had to tiptoe around in regards to relationships; I'm so afraid of rejection that I'll try extra hard over and over, trying to please my partner, resulting in mental exhaustion. In between those extra efforts, I get more nervous and more anxious and after a while, I begin blowing my stack, becoming Someone I Don't Want To Be. It's happened in my family, with my Dad and my Sister (we haven't spoken in almost a year); I've had it happen in my own personal relationships as well as on the job. I was bullied in school, afraid of everyone, and my own Dad Terrified Me. So I've grown into this shell of a person who is virtually Afraid Of All Relationships, Absolutely. Even my friends stress me out and I just have to get away. It gets lonely, very lonely in here, sometimes. No, I don't want sympathy; this is just the way it is for me and I have to learn to deal with it somehow. I grew to love, Really Love that little parrot of mine, and she rejected me over and over again, until it got so bad I was stressing heavily. Over a Bird. How about that.
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Little Jill is Here No More. I gave her up. Finally, last week, it all got to be too much. On my shoulder, she growled at me for the umpteenth time, and I got mad at her, and placed her back in the cage. "Get In There", I snapped at her. And all of a sudden, I knew Things Weren't Working and that there was Nothing More I Could Do for her. I made arrangements with the Bird Rescue guy that I got her from, and gave her back to him. She'll have a lot of birds around her, the Rescue Guy is very good with birds, and he wrote me in an e-mail that she flew directly to his shoulder, and it was like she'd never left. I must admit, that saddened me a bit. I felt jealousy. But, I'm the one who gave her up. So Jill is being well-provided for, in a place she's familiar with, by someone who's previously cared for her. It was hard, "Letting Go". Sometimes that's the only way you can make a situation any better. To part ways, to leave, to Quit, just to End Things. To Let Go. I miss Jill, but things between us were getting worse and worse. One of the last times I brought her out of the cage, she was on my finger and she actually reared back and took a look squarely at me, if she was trying to determine who I was. That was a strange moment, in which I realized we were both becoming uncomfortable with each other. That said, I'll always have good memories of Jill, such as when I took the photo below...
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I made arrangements to give Jill back on Tuesday...and gave her up on Saturday (Yesterday). And the days in-between were painful. Little Jill, in her cage, would hunch over and spread her wings for me, and I wouldn't take her out of the cage. I couldn't. I had to 'not handle' her, to create some emotional distance, which did make it easier for me to give her up. And every time she did her wing-thing (see photo below) in the last few days, it absolutely broke my heart to not take her out of the cage...I couldn't bear to anymore. And believe me, I wanted to...



Little Jill, wanting me to pick her up and give her some attention. How could anyone ignore that? I had to; it was tough.
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So I "let go"of my bird. And now comes the painful process of "getting past it." It's scary. Pure, undiluted grief and pain. "Letting Go". And so I must. "But this is nothing but a stupid BIRD", you might be thinking. Well...it's just that I Let Jill Inside My Heart, which I don't do very often for anything or anyone. She was my little girl. And the pain is tremendous. Although I've lived by myself for A Long Time, it's becoming more difficult to do as time goes on. A little 'presence of life' makes all the difference for me. And last night, my first night without Jill, was awful. I felt the walls closing in on me. The deathly silence, the intense loneliness...it was almost too much...
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Here's the newly updated portion of this post...
I bought a pair of Cockatiels to take Jill's place. They turned into the Cockatiels From Hell. The constant screeching and screaming they put forth was too much for me to take. They're back at the pet store. Maybe I have to learn to be a Better Person by myself before taking in another house guest. And I miss little Jill more than ever.

7 Comments:

Blogger Kendra said...

Aw, Dave... what a heartwrenching post! I really did get choked up when you were describing that interim after contacting the pet guy and having to give Little Jill some distance. That must've been awful. But I'm SO happy you've already started the healing process by bringing home what sounds to be a much better fit. I'll be reading and waiting to hear how it goes!

5:34 AM  
Blogger some guy who blogs said...

Kendra...I spent 7 HOURS writing and editing that post. I really wanted to convey the things which were happening to me during this process, and yes, that 'interim' period was really tough.

What I didn't say in the post is that tension had been building for a long time, and the relationship had been going through ups and downs for quite a while, and finally, I couldn't take it any more. I know this was only a bird, but anytime you have something you love and it's not working out, it's painful.

The two little cockatiels are getting used to their surroundings, and I don't plan on trying to handle them anytime soon. The female, especially, is shy and spends a lot of time trying to figure me out. The male is exploring the cage; he's a little more playful.

So after this ongoing episode with Little Jill, I welcome an opportunity to just relax and watch these birds just 'be birds'. I feel really good about the fact that they'll never get lonely 'cos they have each other.

12:16 PM  
Blogger MarmiteToasty said...

oh jebus, this post had me in floods of tears for so many reasons, now all I wanna do is give you a huge proper hug......rejection is hard no matter from whom it comes......

I would hate to think that Im one of the friends that stress you out, I hope not :(

I so agree with your decision of letting Jill go..... sometimes those hard 'letting goes' are for the best of everyone......

And I fully understand your loss, it matters not whether its human or a pet....

Im just so glad that you have found some new little friends..... a life is a warming pulse in ones home...... be it a couple of darling birds.........

ps... my brother had a couple of those years back, they were about 4 when he got them and it was not to long before he got them chirping and singing and the male one use to say.... ello charlie LOL.......

((((((Dave)))))

x

3:15 PM  
Blogger some guy who blogs said...

Thank you, Marmie...I'm still missing little Jill...sometimes I think I'm recovered, and then the tears begin again. I keep seeing her little yellow patch on the top of her head...I know I did the right thing, because I was getting mentally exhausted caring for her, but in times like right now, in my easy chair in front of the telly, my right shoulder feels empty without her. So, I guess a person just keeps on living and staying occupied. Still, the quiet times get scary sometimes.

I put the cockatiels out in front of the big picture window overlooking the neighborhood today, and the little male began wolf-whistling. The little female trembles when I approach the cage; makes me think she had a bad experience with her previous owner. I went and got a new little heating device for them today so they can sleep near that window and not freeze. I may get another companion parrot someday, who knows...'specially since these 'Tiels are older and might not be trainable.

'Fanks for the ((((( )))))'s from afar...

9:31 PM  
Blogger Dogwalkmusings said...

I'm so sorry about your Jill. I've been facing up to my own issues knowing we'll not have Bacchus much longer. I know the pain.

2:24 PM  
Blogger some guy who blogs said...

Ms. Dogwalker...your Bacchus has been most fortunate having an owner like you to go walking with. You've given him a good life. You'll always have that, no matter how things get...

1:32 AM  
Blogger Word Tosser said...

The bottom line, Dave, is that you loved Jill enough to let her go and for her to be happy... that takes a lot of love...
One door closes and another opens.. so there will be another one down the road, when you are ready.

10:01 AM  

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