My First Posting of 2009...
...and already I feel like I'm an insensitive jerk...

I must admit that I experienced shock and awe as I was watching Dick Clark's "Rockin' New Years' Eve" telecast last night. I tuned in to ABC because I'd heard that Clark, who suffered a debilitating stroke a couple years back, is on the road to recovery, and maybe he is, but from this vantage point, it sure looks like he's got a long way to go. I can't help but think that ABC will, when Clark dies, continue to prop up his corpse in front of the camera with some radio-controlled device installed inside his jaw so he can continue to move his mouth while some offscreen modular voice synthesizer feeds us all that clear-as-a-bell Clark voice that we've come to know over the years.

That would be an improvement, actually, for when I saw Dick Clark on TV last night, I was literally aghast...the man can barely talk. He can barely move his right arm. His speech comes out in a low gravelly monotone, as if he has absolutely no control over his vocal cords. I don't mean to sound harsh and judgmental here, and I want him to recover and emerge stronger than ever, but I'm sorry, Dick Clark, physically, right now, is not fit to be on TV. It's almost as if he'd been picked up from the hospital, stuffed into a suit, and propped up behind the camera, and I think it's kinda cruel. Honestly, I wouldn't WANT anyone to see me if I was as disabled as Dick Clark Still Obviously IS. What advantage does ABC gain in continuing to roll out the shell of what was once Dick Clark? How does this make ABC look any better? Answer: It DOESN'T!

Dick Clark is an icon. I have the highest respect for him. Obviously, his brain is working like it always has; he was as spontaneous last night as any Stroke Victim who hasn't come back all the way yet has a possibility of being. But I was shocked, really shocked when I saw him last night. Does Dick Clark really WANT to be in front of the cameras in his condition? Is ABC-TV going after ratings here? ("Tune In and watch as Dick Clark Tries To Say Things On Our Network!") It's been, what, a couple of years since his stroke? Looks like his road to recovery is gonna be a long one. I hope you recover, Mr. Clark, I really do. 'Till then...do you really need to be on TV? Perhaps ABC continues to roll him out in an effort to keep their baby-boomer viewers? There's gotta be some kind of angle here...

One more beef about last night's ABC "Rockin' Eve" broadcast: As a part of the inane New Years' Eve programming, ABC featured a performance by The Jonas Brothers, the worst excuse for a musical act that I've EVER seen. The Jonas Brothers are the epitome of that musical phenomenon known as Manufactured Teel Idols. (Teen 'idles', maybe?) What's wrong with the Jonas Brothers? Simple. None of them can SING! They barely have a sense of rhythm, and the songs they do are awful. I listened hard, very very hard to what they were singing last night, and the performance sounded like no one could find the backbeat...or the melody...if indeed the song they were singing had a melody...which asks me to question whether or not they actually performed a "Song", since "Song" implies a melody is in there somewhere...



Now, you might think I'm a musical snob, but that's not so, not at All. I liked the Partridge Family, the Monkees, heck, I even liked the Archies; why? Because the people who made the music could Carry A Tune. Next to the Jonas Brothers, the Backstreet Boys sound like The BEATLES. I actually like the Backstreet Boys' music. The Jonas Brothers? In their case, where the HELL is their music? They are Awful. At least manufactured teen idols way back when had somewhat passable vocal chops. I wonder how much The Jonas Brothers' manager pays teenage girls to scream while the group tries to croak out another song. Simon Cowhead of "American Idol" would give 'em three thumbs down, if he had that many thumbs. (Maybe he does...) And if The Jonas Brothers had performed during the old "Gong Show", host Chuck Barris would've struck the Gong for half-an-hour straight afterwards! GONG! GONG! GONG!!!!!!! "GET OFFA MY STAGE!" GONG!!! GONG!!!!! GONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Okaay...here it is! And we're on top of it! Stay RIGHT THERE as Dick Clark counts down the new year!!! "T-t-ten...N-n-nnnine...E-e-e-ight..." Eureka! That's IT!!! Let's have the New Years' Big Metal Ball drop down on an oversized Giant Gong in honor of the Jonas Brothers...