I'm really, really worried about myself...
I got STUNNED by an OSMOND!

A while back, I began noticing a commercial for the NutriSystem (TM) diet plan, which is still causing the Eyes to pop out of my SKULL every time I see it. The ad introduced her as "Marie", and there she was on the screen, in a hot red dress with great looking hair and just the right amount of cosmetic substances applied to her face. "Marie", I thought..."well, that's a nice name, and she expresses herself so clearly that she oughta go into acting or something." Well, how was I supposed to know? The commercial only referred to her as "MARIE", after all. I had no idea 'til a coupla days ago that "Marie' is actually Marie OSMOND! I mean, every time I see that commercial, I just kinda sit there salivating. Marie OSMOND?!?!??? I oughta have my HEAD examined! Now that I know she's an Osmond, well, I don't drool any longer, but she's still a mighty fine lookin' woman.

Towards the end of the commercial, she says, "I'll bet you're not that different than me...you WILL get results." Maan...all I can say is, if every woman got results like THAT, I'd probably acquire whiplash from lookin' at all the females and my skull would detach itself from my body, since the Human Head isn't designed for repeatedly spinning 'round and 'round like an out-take from the "Exorcist" movie. Of course, I'm trying to view this from a practical standpoint, which I must try to do, since this is Marie OSMOND, after all...the girl-next-door who sang cute songs with her not-so-cute-any-more brother, Donny. My sister was such a big Donnie Osmond fan...I remember she just about wore out her copy of Donny's irritating little song "Sweet and Innocent". I'm positive that Marie is a Very Nice Lady, but as to how she looks in this commercial, well, 'Sweet & Innocent' just doesn't fit...but I can think of two other words which would apply to her Nutri-system ad image: Absolutely HOT.

Oh, and get this, ladies...in the commercial, Marie says she's a mother of EIGHT. As Billy "Crash" Craddock sang back in the '70s, "Rub It In, Rub It In". All I know is..."wowie zowie." But, she's an OSMOND. I can't be attracted to an OSMOND! Their toothy, squeaky-clean '70s image still provides fodder to be damned with by Rock Critics to this very day. Back then, the perky little Marie had a fairly big hit with the old country song, "Paper Roses", a song I played drums to in a country band, and a song that virtually made me Wretch In The Drum Chair. Gagggggg....... However, in the spirit of fairness, I must also concede that Donny and Marie did a pretty good job on their late '70s version of "Morning Side Of The Mountain", originally done by the duo, Dale and Grace, back in the early 1960's. And, in 1972, I believe, "The Osmonds" (without Marie) actually came out with a fairly decent album, "Crazy Horses", which features some pretty high-energy stuff...two songs were hits from that album, the title track, as well as "Yo-Yo", which was written by Joe South of "Games People Play" fame. So, I must give credit where credit's due.

Now we all know that All Of The Osmonds can afford to Live Well. They have money. They all can afford makeovers, great clothes, top stylists, whatever. Which, I'm sure, contributed quite a bit to the image conveyed in Marie's 'Nutri-System' ad. But, I never expected HER to ever, ever look that GOOD. I guess I still have the image of The Osmonds and the Religion they're affiliated with, and all of them are devout believers, and say what you will, they've stuck to their guns over the years. Which is why I'm doubly surprised that Marie looks so, well, 'worldly' here. After all, That Whole Family has a squeaky-clean image to uphold. Honestly, I feel serious conflicts brewing within me regarding this. There's nothing detrimental about what she's doing in this commercial, but, WOW. And when was the last time a squeaky-clean person "wowed" me? Answer? NEVER. I am not kidding. In this commercial, she is absolutely STUNNING. And I need to seriously have my head examined. Stunned by an Osmond. Either that or I'll record her commercial on a tape loop and play it over and over and over and over 'till the whiplash effect breaks my neck.


Move over, Jimmy Carter, for this wayward sinner also has Lust In His Heart. Potrezebie!!!
____________________

I'm positive I'll go Straight To Hell for writing about Marie, the eternal-girl-next-door, in this way. Either that, or I'll be sentenced to an eternity of listening to "Sweet And Innocent", which, come to think of it, would be an equally severe form of damnation.