MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL:
Can't you guys just PLEASE SHUT UP for a while?

I've watched TV Sports for ages. For some reason, whenever I tell someone who knows me that I watch sports, they can't believe it. I guess I don't look like a jock; I'm not especially rugged or rough, and whatever "macho" I have seems to be hidden in a shroud of self-doubt; I just try to navigate through life, not coming on too loud or too strong, and I try to be tactful and not speak out of turn. So I'm not the type of macho yeller and screamer who hangs out in sports bars or bowling alleys, and you'll never see me at a pool table or dartboard...I'm just not into that stuff. I used to do some of that when I was younger, but I don't now, and I don't miss it. Although, if I go into a bar and there's a pinball machine, well, I've just gotta play it. But I hardly ever go into bars anymore, either, and I don't miss that either.

I have a big beef with all of today's sports programs, and especially professional football games. Tonite's Monday Night Football crew has three people in the booth, plus a couple of breathless pseudo-reporters who report on every little scrape, scratch, or bump on the field, and if those don't happen, they'll tell you who in the crowd is eating what as they try to watch the game, attempting to get the most value for the money they've spent on overpriced game tickets. In short, there is not a single, solitary slice of SILENCE during a three-hour football game; everyone in the broadcast crew dives in to fill moments of silence with endless stupid philosophizing, quotes, stories, vignettes, statistics, developments or whatever. In short, they all YAK YAK YAK like a bunch of "Heckyll-and-Jeckyll" MAGPIES and it absolutely fricking drives me NUTS! I have to mute the game every once in a while; otherwise, I'll literally blow a GASKET.

The prevailing philosophy of Sports Broadcasting these days is to "fill every little teeny-tiny bit of silence with Something, Anything". And during the Monday Night Football's halftime show, it gets even worse. Tony Kornheiser, who should be FIRED because he's such a yammering loudmouth, gets into speed-shouting duels with a sports analyst, and they both argue back and forth, constantly talking over each other, yell, yell, yell, YAK, YAK, YAK, and it continues until I'm almost ready to SCREAM BLOODY MURDER, but I don't, you see, because my remote is in my hand, and the "mute" button gets hit again. I like it when a sports announcer can clarify what's happening down on the field, but I also need "space" to absorb what's going on, and when there's 3 announcers and correspondents, covering the game, THERE IS NO SILENCE!

Dave Niehaus, who broadcasts Seattle Mariners' games, and Joe Buck, who announces Fox's baseball games, both have the right idea. They speak deliberately, they don't rush anything, and in-between plays, they LET THE GAME DETERMINE ITS OWN RHYTHM. They'll pause, so that you can hear crowd noise and soak in the general ambience of the proceedings, and then they'll speak again for a little while. In short, they don't annoy you like THE MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL CREW does...contrast what Al Michaels and John Madden do on Sunday Night Football, with the current Monday Night Football crew...Michaels and Madden are down-to-earth, genuinely interesting sportscasters who don't talk, talk, talk, yammer, yammer, yammer all damn game long!. And, there's no Tony Kornheiser to explore every single angle of football that, in the long run, is just NOT IMPORTANT.

I think Tony Kornheiser should be BUMPED from Monday Night Football, not at the end of this season, but RIGHT NOW. I think that the Monday Night Football announcers should slow down and not try so hard to cover EVERYTHING. They tend to forget that the viewer can SEE WHAT'S GOING ON...GIVE US FANS SOME CREDIT, GUYS!!! And I'm sorry, but what is a female sports correspondent even DOING on the sidelines? I just don't get it. Women don't play professional football! Jeannie Zelasko, on Fox sports, doesn't play baseball. What are they doing, even INVOLVED in the games? Oh, yeah, right, a pretty face helps stabilize the ratings. Gotcha. Okay, women probably hate me now for that last comment, but I don't think men should be involved in women-only sports either.

I think I know where this whole sports-overinformation thing started. While listening to the over-informative Rick Rizzs broadcast Mariners baseball games, I noticed many years ago that he never shuts up; indeed, he never breathes! And I wondered where I'd heard that kind of broadcasting before...well, when I heard Bob Costas doing a baseball game, outta his mouth came all kinds of verbal accumulation in the form of flotsam, jetsam, and ephemera. So I blame Bob Costas, because that's who todays' young announcers wanted to Grow Up To Be. I just wanna say this to all sports announcers: It is okay NOT to talk sometimes. Take a breath. Take a pill. Or whatever. Guy, you're wearing out my ears! And now the Monday Night Football Announcers have brought a GUEST into the booth...oh, maaaaaan...FOUR mouths to listen to now...ackthptf...........
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It's midway thru the third quarter of the Packers/Broncos game, and I've gotta end this post. My remote is calling me again. I've gotta reduce the TV volume. And if that doesn't work..."MUTE"!!!