I never knew so many people cared!
...they're all out there, trying to make my life infinitely easier...

This is something I've been thinking about writing for a long, long time. What it's about, basically, concerns the bulk e-mails that end up in my mailbox. People I don't even KNOW want to provide for my every need and whim, and they must really want me to accept their help in the worst way, because they e-mail me night after night, taking time out of their busy schedules to make sure I have access to every creature comfort (they think) I need. Anyway, typically, after deleting all my bulk mail, I then surf the web, and then perhaps I'll engage in some real stupidity...like posting here, for instance. I write and write and write, and I still only have about 3 faithful readers. You know who you are. And I appreciate ya.

Tonight, after initially going on the internet, deleting all of my bulk mail (I receive upwards of 200 of them a day), and then surfing on the web, I shut down for a while so I could watch the Boston Red Sox give game 2 of the division series away to the Cleveland Indians, and it was a long game...it took just under three hours to play the last 5 innings. And, when I got back online, I again checked my e-mail (after I had cleared it earlier), and found I had another 25 bulk e-mails mailed to me by all of these sweet altruistic bulk-mailing people who obviously care so much about me. Here's a sampling of the bulk mail that arrived in my e-mail account in that almost-three-hour-time-period this evening...

*One bulk mail wanted me to "BECOME PART OF THE MEDICAL INDUSTRY". Well, not this time around. After all, my latest flu attack originated at a Medical Professional Building, so I think I'll pass. I got so sick, I couldn't even go online for 3 days. And THAT...is sick!

*Looking thru the bulk e-mail list, my attention was grabbed by a message saying that I've been invited to "RELAX ON A CRUISE THIS YEAR AT NO COST." Now, I assume this means an Ocean Cruise. Yeah, rrrright...sometimes I get carsick in my own car. I can get seasick walking across a mud puddle. Thanks anyway...with my luck I'd end up on Gilligan's Island. Hopefully with Mary Ann, that hot little lady...

*How about this? I ran across a bulk-e-mail offer saying I could get an "AMAZING RC CONTROL HELICOPTER DIRT CHEAP!" Now assuming this doesn't refer to a toy I really don't need right now, if instead it refers to a full-size model people can FLY in, well, I'd better not. Any more than 3 feet off the ground and I get acrophobia REAL BAD.

*Or, I could "JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD OF POLICE" according to another bulk e-mail. And I thot about it, but since I don't deal with rules & regulations very well, am non-athletic to the "nth" degree, I cannot run, and some days I cannot walk very well, oh, and the fact that I'm 53, so I'd be getting a late start on a cop career all tends to make me say, "thanx but no thanx" to the dedicated e-mailer who informed me of this opportunity.

*Still another e-mailer wanted me to "CONFIRM E-MAIL ADDRESS FOR WAL-MART SHIPMENT!" But this person must be exasperated with me, for the e-mail said this is their "FINAL ATTEMPT" to contact me. They must really want me, though...this is the 25th "final attempt" I've received. And I think WAL-MART is a greedy, moneygrubbing, out-sourcing, slave-labor institution, and I'd rather get my toenails pulled out than shop there! So I'll pass. You understand...

*An e-mail which I find (occasionally) intruiging, since I basically have no reselblance to any kind of an "intimate" life says that a "SECRET LOVER IS TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH (ME)"...some days there will be several of these in my in-box. I've never been so popular! This is so good for my ego. I think. Let's see; I've just moved here, I know basically no one, so these must be REALLY REALLY SECRET PEOPLE who want my attention. I must be a real stud.

*Another bulk-mailer told me I could get "$1500 IN (MY) BANK ACCOUNT IN JUST ONE HOUR!" And of course, since this person really cares about me, there's no chance that the interest on this amount would be greater than the national debt, rrrright? I'll pass on this one, too...it might take one hour for the $1500 to get into my bank account, but with today's bills, it takes about half that time to SPEND it all. I don't need to pay interest on money that I don't have anymore.

*Still more bulk e-mailers seemed to be concerned about my 'dating' activity. One bulk-baron invited to "CONNECT WITH MATURE SINGLES". Another wanted me to "CHECK OUT THE PERSONALS FOR TRUE LOVE". And one young enterprising (and hopefully female) bulk-mailer got right down to it by asking me, "HEY! WANNA SEE MY PICS?" And still another invited me to visit all kinds of "SINGLE PARENTS LOOKING FOR LOVE". Gosh. So many simultaneous opportunities; they all confuse me; I'm hesitant. I've met people older than ME who aren't mature. Maybe I'll just "look at some pics" and then bail.

*I've been invited to get low rates on auto insurance; to apply for new car financing, get an online college degree, lower my mortgage payment, and another e-mailer keeps sending me a message shouting, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!", when, personally, I haven't done anything in the last 50 years to be congratulated for.

And, it seems that the dedicated approach all of these selfless bulk-mail-people has infiltrated the ranks of unsolicited phone calls, too...Every weeknight about 6pm, the phone rings, and there's a kind-sounding tape-recorded voice telling me, "we've looked at your payments and credit situation, and WE CAN LOWER your monthly payments, so call us NOW!!!". Wow. They don't even know my name (my number is unlisted) and they've found my credit records. I'd go for that, except that I don't owe anyone any money, I have no outstanding debts, and my attention span is unfortunately shorter than the time it takes to listen to everything that taped phone-voice wants to tell me.

While I have never responded to any of these things, it just warms the cockles of my heart (if indeed the heart has any of those) to know that anytime I need whatever it is I need, that there are compassionate bulk-e-mailers out there who care about my welfare. And that makes me smile, REAL BIG, like this...


Nope, nope, nope...I don't look anything like this. If I did, I'd probably get bulk dental e-mails!
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By the way, in the time it took me to proofread this post, I received another 7 bulk e-mails. Maybe, instead, someone could send me a can of SPAM instead. At least it's more nutritious.