PARAKEET PULP FICTION:
...closer to reality than you might think!

Clyde the Parakeet always did his best to be ever vigilant, because, after all, he wanted Bonnie, his longtime parakeet companion, to be safe and secure. He was also a dreamer; he fantasized about noble battles to undertake so he could make Bonnie see him for the bird he really was. He knew that Bonnie really lusted for a more macho, domineering parakeet, whereas Clyde was little and fairly passive. Clyde's main goal in life was to make Bonnie happy. Of course, Bonnie, with her destructive personality, could never be really happy, not unless she was destroying something. Her owner could put four italian breadsticks in the parakeet cage; she'd gnaw her way through 3 of them, before the ever-faithful little Clyde got halfway through 1 breadstick. That might have something to do with the fact that Bonnie recklessly tosses breadcrumbs all over the cage floor, while sweet little Clyde will delicately nibble at his breadstick, savoring every mouthful. And when Bonnie is done with her three breadsticks, she'll drive Clyde away from the breadstick he's been nibbling on. Relationships like this are many and well-documented; one immediate example I can think of is John and Yoko, but that's another story altogether.

In spite of Bonnie's constant aggressive behavior, it was obvious that little Clyde really loved her. Parakeets show affection towards each other by regurgitating food and giving it to the other parakeet, as Clyde did regularly with Bonnie. So not only does she eat 3/4's of the food in the cage, she probably gets half the food Clyde has eaten, too. This is the depth of affection that the ever-devoted Clyde consistently bestows upon the evil Bonnie, day after day after day. Two little blue-feathered parakeets, safely ensconced inside their cage, and one can imagine when Clyde sings while Bonnie preens her feathers, his song is something akin to Helen Reddy's record, "You and Me Against The World". Happy little Clyde, ever faithful, with absolutely no ulterior motives, in a relationship with the ever-scheming Bonnie, who has actually tried to uproot the food containers in the cage, and has been known to actually nibble on the cage door in unsuccessful attempts to escape and fly free. Little Clyde, deep down, likes it when Bonnie shows her dark side, and hopes that one day, she'll think that he can be as fierce and dominating as he thinks Bonnie wants him to be.

One lazy spring afternoon, while Bonnie and Clyde were taking a bird-nap, it happened. A scratching sound awoke Clyde, who is not a sound sleeper to begin with. A parakeet stranger, who looked suspiciously like Clyde, with a mixture of blue chest feathers and black wing feathers, had surreptitiously entered the cage, and it was easy to speculate that the stranger had his eyes on the parakeetily-voluptuous Bonnie. Of course, little Clyde would have none of that; Bonnie had been his "main squeeze" for over two years and he wasn't about to let a rival parakeet win Bonnie's affections. Clyde knew he wasn't a forceful or domineering parakeet, and he knew that Bonnie had a weakness for the strong silent type, which were the traits exhibited by the parakeet stranger. Little Clyde swallowed hard and prepared to do battle. He hopped up onto the high perch and prepared to face down the look-alike stranger. There he was, the parakeet stranger, at the other end of the high perch. Yep, a showdown. A stand-off. Only one parakeet was going to walk away from this situation. Clyde emitted a loud chirp, his way of saying, "this cage ain't big enough for the both of us."

Clyde took a step forward. The parakeet stranger took a step towards Clyde. Clyde took another step forward. The parakeet stranger took another step forward. Both stepped toward each other until they were literally standing beak-to-beak. All of a sudden, BAM!!! POW!!! The stranger smacks Clyde with an uppercut! "SQUAWK!!!" Clyde punches the intruder's solar plexus! "SCREECH!!!" The stranger levels a devastating blow, bending one of Clyde's wings out of shape! "AWK! AWWWWK!" Clyde head-butts the stranger in the chest! "SQUAWK!!!" Feathers flying in all directions! The Chirps and Squawks are multitudinous! Clyde then head-butts the stranger in the beak, sending him reeling towards the cage wall! Clyde then sees his big chance; he grabs the stranger's chest feathers with his feet, and bites the stranger's neck, and twists and pulls and tries to decapitate his challenger; Clyde is jumping, pulling, biting, gnashing, clawing and chewing; it's a fight to the death, and Clyde is pounding his opponent mercilessly, wings flapping, head-butting, kicking, grabbing his opponent with his feet; it was a scene of pandemonium, mayhem and uncontrollable devastation as the rabid, frenzied Clyde pummeled his opponent relentlessly; Clyde couldn't stop; his relationship with Bonnie was at stake, and he had to do everything within his power to defend her honor...

Bonnie, who had been asleep up until then, never suspected the presence of a parakeet stranger in her cage. She awoke to the commotion of Clyde doing battle fiercely, squawking like a madbird, pummeling someone or something for all it was worth. And in a moment of realization, she reasoned that poor little Clyde, the Walter Mitty of the bird world, sleep-flew to the upper perch, then sleepwalked and woke up when he bumped the mirror (which hung down from a chain from the top of the cage), then saw his reflection and thought it was another bird. She then brought Clyde back to reality with a loud "CHIRP!!!" which was her way of saying, "GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" Clyde looked up from his frantic activity, and realizing how dumb he looked, emitted a small "chirp" (his way of saying, "yes, dear") and flew down to the lower perch, and settled in by Bonnie's side, secure in the knowledge that was no other parakeet was gonna mess with him for at last he'd shown Bonnie how tough he was. Then, Clyde once again snuggled up to Bonnie and resumed his bird-nap, while Bonnie, not daring to move lest she wake up Clyde again, looked around the cage for something else she could destroy once she decided that the bird-nap was over.
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In reading over this post, I am reminded of an old Buck Owens song: "Beware of a Tall Dark (Parakeet) Stranger". One thing for sure, though...this ain't Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom". Marlon Perkins never observed anything like this.