NEWSPAPERS are FOREVER!!!

Or, a logical reason why they'll never die out...

The position has been put forth by those "in the know" that online newspapers will probably end up replacing the real thing, but I'm here to tell ya that ain't so. How do I know? I need newspapers, I must have them; without them, a meal in a restaurant just ain't complete. But that's not the only reason newspapers will last into perpetuity. As a matter of fact, I used to leave the newspaper in the restaurant. No more! I take 'em home. They make good bird cage liners. (apologies to all the dedicated journalists out there...) Well, hang on just a minute there, pod'ner...while I do have a few days' worth of newspapers laying around my house, it's NOTHING close to the amount shown at left, so that photo is totally inaccurate. How'd it get in here, anyway? My dad used to wrap fish in newspapers so they wouldn't "leak" all over the place when he was takin' 'em back home after a long hard day fly-fishing, so there's another use. And, remember "Silly Putty"? It came in a plastic egg-shaped container...and you could pick up newspaper ink with the putty and then rub the ink on something else. Pretty cool, huh?

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Speaking of birds...I've told you about my 'keets, Bonnie and Clyde. Basically, Bonnie thinks she owns the entire birdcage and all the food in it, and whenever little Clyde (who must be operating under delusions by now) tries to eat or play with a parakeet toy, Bonnie will either physically drive him away, or she'll chirp loudly at him, and he'll drop what he's doing, and head to her side, sitting there motionless. "CLYDE, GET OVER HERE!!!" "YES, DEAR..." They'd been together two years before I got 'em, and I've been tempted to separate 'em, but they're so ingrained into their co-dependent parakeet relationship that they'd probably commit parakeet suicide if separated. Because they are older parakeets, they are untrainable and want nothing to do with me. I am basically a big blob of flesh that brings them food. The other day, little Clyde was on the top perch, where a round mirror hangs down from the cage's top. Clyde was actually gripping the mirror with his FOOT, flapping his wings and ATTACKING the mirror. How do you tell a dumb bird that its pecking at ITS OWN REFLECTION? You can't. In trying to figure out why Clyde's doing that mirror thing, either (1), He thinks he's seeing another male bird in the cage and doesn't want competition for Bonnie's affections (not that she's very affectionate), or (2) he's finally lost his little parakeet sanity and is trying to commit "parakeeticide" by banging his head into the mirror. Of course, a third possibility exists: Clyde might be totally rational, and he's pretending he's pecking at Bonnie! A shrink might refer to that as "parakeet projection"; using a harmless object to take out his frustrations on. Freud for the birds, maybe.

In the photo, you can see Bonnie, at left, lurking dangerously on her perch as she pins little Clyde's back to the wall. I think Clyde's only hope is that parakeets are so dumb, they don't realize they're getting shafted by their mate.

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Okay, this post is beginning to weave and dodge and zigzag so exaggeratedly here, that I'm gettin' kinda dizzy...but what I need to do now, is go back to the topic of newspapers; remember, that's how I began this post? Well, since I'm bringing papers home, I might as well use them for blogging material. I mean, there's a lot of important news out there, right? I will share one such article with you, which carried the headline: "CHINA SEEKS TO USE DUNG FOR PAPER"...a real, genuine ASSOCIATED PRESS STORY, by the way...Evidently, researchers who research such things say that "fiber-rich" PANDA POOP could be used to make high-quality paper. My first question is, "how do they know how fiber-rich panda emissions are?" Ack. And the Chinese researchers got the idea when they visited Thailand last year, where they found paper made from 'elephant residue'...(it's hard to sugar-coat these details), and the Chinese hope to have a product line of, well, 'Panda Paper' available next year. Let's hope that the United States doesn't begin importing Chinese Panda Paper...some of it could end up in ENVELOPES. Better, I would think, to carry handi-wipes to the post office and use those, instead of licking. There. I've performed a valuable public service. I'm so proud of myself.

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Another article in the same newspaper referred to the almost-too-good-to-be-true new offering by the U.S. Postal Service...THE "FOREVER STAMP"...it's gonna feature a rendition of the Liberty Bell; how quaintly patriotic that is, and that's just fine with me. But, wait a minute..."FOREVER" stamp? It'll cost 41 cents, and evidently you can buy sheets and sheets of 'em, and use 'em for years until you've used 'em all up, and the 41-cent stamp will acquire no additional postage if (well, WHEN) rates go up. And they will. "Forever"? That's like Prezzident Bush saying "Iraq is NOT another Vietnam", when we all know it IS. Or when someone says, "I'm not trying to change you", well, OF COURSE they are. Beware! I can just see the announcement which may (okay, WILL) appear someday: "The U.S. Postal Service has announced that 41-cent stamps are going up to 43-cents, and the new "Forever Stamps" will now be priced at $3.98 per stamp". A hard-learned lesson of the times: EVERYTHING means exactly the OPPOSITE of what 'they're' telling you. Right, "Forever Stamps" will be 41-cents forever. Yeah, rrright; I guess GAS is gonna go back down to 29 cents a gallon, like it was when I began driving, back in the neolithic era. Fat chance o' that! What you'll probably end up doing in the not-too-distant future, is, you'll have to buy a "forever additional stamp" for, say, a dime, to add on to the old 41-cent "forever stamps" you've hoarded for years and years. Sheeeeeeesh. Maybe the good ol' USPS will actually sell a $3.98 "forever and ever" stamp, which will indeed be good FOREVER...unless we get into ANOTHER unjustified war where we're basically trying to protect our country's oil interests.

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I guess the best we can hope for, as far as postage stamps are concerned, is that they're not printed on Panda Paper. I just couldn't...uh..."bear" that...