For Cryin' Out Loud, BURY 'EM Already!!!
...truly a case of "die young, stay famous"...

Have you ever had a visceral, gut-wrenching reaction to something? Today, it happened to me, in a restaurant, right after I'd taken my first bite of a Chicken-Fried Steak breakfast. My senses were invaded, my good mood was interrupted, but thankfully I didn't lose my appetite. What can I say...I'm addicted to food! So anyway, I was literally and figuratively disarmed by a news article I came across...

There it was, splashed on the front page of the folksy, homespun local newspaper I was reading during my meal...the article informed me that Anna Nicole Smith's remains are "decomposing faster than normal" and that she'd better get buried soon! The article went on to say that the chances of an open-casket viewing will be severely jeopardized if someone somewhere doesn't hurry up and bury her. So maybe, dying is not a relief...because after you die, you create yet MORE controversy? So in death, just as in real life, Anna Nicole Smith is definitely "falling apart", if the coroner is to be believed. And you know, I always thought her lawyer guy (a lawyer, although he's never tried a case), Howard K. Stern is a SLIMY creep.

I used to watch Anna Nicole's reality-TV series, and Stern, who (allegedly, VERY allegedly), took care of her came across as a SLIMEBALL. He just seemed to hang around Anna Nicole for no good reason. I believe that if indeed "reincarnation" happens to everyone, Howard K. Stern will come back as a piece of furniture. He allegedly attended to all of Anna Nicole's affairs (and probably was wanting to have one with her, himself), just kinda "glomming" onto Anna Nicole in case she won her big judgment from her really, really old husband who passed away's estate. I kinda think that Howard K. Stern could "smell the money". So he hung around.

Looks like I finally found a good excuse to put a little CHEESECAKE into my blog. Truly pin-up material, eh?

This makes me recall the 1968 death of President Dwight Eisenhower...his body was carted here, and there, and everywhere else (a President's death is a governmental happening, after all, so red tape is to be expected.) And, after 3 or 4 or 10 days of Eisenhower pre-burial coverage, my Dad said (and I'll never forget this), "THEY'D BETTER BURY HIM BEFORE HE STARTS TO STINK!!!" Well, I've never been around a human corpse, but a few weeks ago, a dead sea lion was washed up on the beach near here, and it's STILL there, only a little bit less of it is there each day, and when the wind blows just right...or wrong...well, I've run over SKUNKS that smelled better. Ack...

Isn't it weird how things which are somehow related by some great unseen cosmic power, present themselves? You know, things happening in "twos or threes", that kind of thing. This must be the year of the living cadaver. I mean, some cadavers get around a lot more than some LIVING people. President Ford, for example, died in San Diego, I believe, then he was taken to Washington, D.C., and then finally to his Michigan hometown. Heck, I've never BEEN east of Wisconsin! And last time I checked, I was still alive.

You've heard the old song, "Papa's got a Brand New (Body) Bag"...well, that's what the corpse of James Brown is gonna need pretty soon, because HE hasn't been buried yet, and he died LAST YEAR, on Christmas Day! That's close to two months ago! He'll need that brand new bag so his degree of decomposition doesn't manifest itself in the olfactories of those who are taking care of him. And he's late, all right. FOR HIS OWN FUNERAL!!! And you thought that was just an expression...

Will someone "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE" bury this guy?

If a person isn't properly laid to rest, are their souls in turmoil? If not interred, do their souls thrash around in a state of malcontent, unable to enjoy "the big sleep" or whatever happens when a person dies? Personally, I hope there's a heaven; this planet can be quite hellish at times. So James Brown NEEDS to get buried. Soon. Then he'll feel good. We knew that he would. I'm in a "cold sweat" just thinking about this...

Of course, Anna Nicole and James Brown have NOTHING on the corpse of Eva Peron, who died of cancer in 1953. She was the "first lady" of dictator Juan Peron of Argentina. And, she wasn't buried; after her death, her body was placed in an airtight glass coffin-type thing. After she died, husband Juan, nice guy that he was, lost his "political office" because he was a tyrannical JERK...but he came back in the 1970's for a little while, until people again got sick of his tyrannical ways. In Peron's first administration, Argentinians came to love Eva Peron, who stuck up for the "decamisados" (shirtless ones), poor people who had a hard time getting by. In fact, she was almost more famous than her husband. She died while he was still in office the first time around, and the whole country was sad.

Well, when Juan Peron re-assumed the tyrannical dictatorship of Argentina in the 1970s, he had married another woman who looked like Eva, but then, the original Eva's corpse, still in the airtight glass container, was brought back, and he tried to use it as some sort of a prop, so that the people would love him, because they had loved Eva. And that is one of the most morbidly fascinating stories I have ever read. I've seen a picture of her in that glass case...it's weird, all right.

So, the question is, how to solve the dilemmas of Anna Nicole Smith and James Brown...for these are questions that need answers. FAST. One way is to go the "airtight" way, such as Lady Eva Peron (see above graph). Or, people who've reached the end of their days can be turned into human popsicles...ladies and gentlemen, may I present the greatest hitter of all-time (with a .406 average in one season, the highest ever), Mr. Ted Williams. Here he is...

Whap! Here's one guy who didn't need STEROIDS to become famous. Today's players can learn from this.

Just as in the deaths of Anna Nicole Smith and James Brown, there were battles by various factions of Ted Williams' families and hangers-on...one faction wanted him buried, the other faction wanted him cryogenically preserved. Which side won? Well, ol' Ted's former mortal coil is now doing time in a freezer somewhere. People are allegedly frozen cryogenically so that, in 60, 80, or 2000 years from now, whenever science evolves enough to bring people back from the dead, their corpses will be conveniently filed away, so that "life" can be injected back into the body at moment's notice. It would have to be thawed out fast, tho. So maybe somebody somewhere had better design a human-sized microwave oven. Cheaper such operations might be able to use one of those machines that tanning booths use; I've seen people with overdone, artificial tans, and some of them LOOK like living corpses!

So, cryogenics just might be the solution to all of these notorious people who die, but stay in a state of extended limbo, because their selfish, moneygrubbing in-laws, associates, lawyers, bodyguards, caretakers, what have you, are so concerned about their OWN SELFISH NEEDS that they don't want to bury the person they were involved with. How about that; those who allegedly "help" these beleaguered individuals when they're alive, won't see to it that they REST IN PEACE, for cryin' out loud! So who's next? Who is literally disintegrating in front of our eyes as I type this inane blogpost? Well, kids...can you say "Britney"? I knew ya could. Would yuh like to be mah neighbor?

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For some stupid reason, the old childhood sing-song has once again invaded my mind. Probably because I'm in my second...no, wait, third...fourth? childhood...."Never laugh when a hearse goes by, or you will be the next to die"...and believe me, I don't laugh when I see one. uh-uh, not ME!!! And I don't sleep hanging by my toes in a dark closet either. Not that I know of, anyway.