THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE...
...I'm gonna let it shine, if no one steals it FIRST...

I've spent time in advertising sales (a long long LONG time ago), and also having worked in broadcasting, I've always paid attention to commercials, slogans, jingles (small bits of catchy ad music), so when something hits me wrong, as happens increasingly these days, I just kinda scratch my head and wonder, "how dumb do they think I am?" And when I don't think that, I think, "is it me or is there something wrong here?"

I've been seeing an ad on late-night TV which advertises an outdoor night-light with a long tube protruding from the bottom; you stick said tube in the ground, switch on the light, and voila, you have night-time illumination. Unfortunately, whoever named this product wasn't very illuminated at all. That's right, the commercial announcer with the god-like voice says the brand is "STEAL THESE LIGHTS". They're being sold for a "low, low price", says the announcer, and he goes thru the spiel of saying, "but WAIT...it gets better! If you buy 87 of these, you'll get 425 more FREE, just pay $6,000 dollars shipping and handling" (he really doesn't say that, but it's fun to exaggerate)...

These lights are great, saith the announcer, for outdoor parties, to put by steps or walkways, or whatever. And the BATTERIES in the lights will last for 10 years, because they are L.E.D.'s! Thing is, because these lights aren't permanently mounted, they're just stuck in the ground after all, designed to be used in the DARK...well, the typical partygoer could very easily "STEAL THESE LIGHTS!" Perhaps the manufacturer is utilizing the power of unconscious suggestion, which could turn partygoers or night-time passersby into thieves...hoping that the owner of the "Steal These Lights" lights will replace the lights by buying more "Steal These Lights" lights!

How about that...give the career criminals some serious competition...innocent night-time guests or passersby being turned, unknowingly, into criminals, all because they heard the "Steal These Lights" advertisement. And they ended up 'stealing the lights.' In all sincerity, I fully and firmly believe giving a product a name like "Steal These Lights" is akin to buying a sign that says, "swipe my wallet, I don't need the money" and hanging it around your neck. So, with all these new unconsciously-induced new criminals stealing lights all over the place, I ask you, how is an honest criminal supposed to make a living these days?
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To phrase a COIN: Another late-night TV ad advertises a really special coin. It depicts the World Trade Center, and it does look like a really great investment. The background of the coin is GOLD and the Trade Center is depicted in Silver! And, you can actually "pull up" the Trade Center portion of the coin, and the Trade Center positions itself perpendicular to the gold surface of the coin, which shows the myriad skyscrapers of Manhattan. And, the coin is selling for a really affordable price, too. "But hurry", says the announcer, "because these new-fangled coin-things are sellin' like hotcakes!" (a crude paraphrase there, on my part).

OOH! OOH! I WANT ONE!!! Whoa, stop thar, boy!!! Okay, okay...let me catch my breath here. The announcer, talking about the coins says the silver and gold used for the coin comes from coinage or whatever stored at the World Trade Center, and after alla it's gone, there ain't no more coins to be made. The announcer goes on to say that the coins are plated in 24-Karat Gold and Silver, and donations will be made from the purchases...how nice, I'm thinking...but wait a minute!!! Did the announcer say PLATED??? PLATED??? What are the insides of the coin made out of? Aluminum concentrate? Crushed tinfoil? Week old Swiss-cheese?

Well, you get the idea. All that glitters is gold, but only on the OUTSIDE of the coin. The only disclaimer I can see in this commercial is "not to be used for currency". Why? THE DAMN COIN AIN'T WORTH NOTHIN'!!! This ain't the only commercial I've seen for coins that WEREN'T made by the U.S. Government mint. And the script in the commercial says we're supposed to buy these in memory of those who perished in that horrific 9/11 incident. So, we're supposed to buy third-rate coins that aren't really all that valuable; in short, we're supposed to stand for being deceived all in the name of honoring our nation's victims of 9/11? So, I'll repeat the phrase I used in the preceding portion of this post: "Is it ME, or is something WRONG here?"

Even if I am incorrect in everything I've posted here, hopefully this will make you, dear reader, really analyze ANYTHING someone's trying to sell you, especially if it's on late-night TV. Like all these pills for those with "significant weight to lose", which jack up your metabolism and increase your heart-rate to about 5 million beats a minute. Well, "that's the word on the street", ha ha. Can this be good for you? NO. Lose weight the old way: Eat less and Exercise more. Don't end up in the county morgue because you wanted to lose 500 pounds by next Tuesday! (yet another sophmoric exaggeration, but you get the idea...)
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The world IS going to the DOGS: Finally, the last late-night Teevee product that gets into my face in blatant fashion when I'm watching re-runs of "CSI: Miami" are Doggie-Steps. "Would you repeat, please? I didn't believe what you said." "I said DOGGIE STEPS!!!"; little steps put next to your bed, couch or microwave oven, so your little miniature microscopic, but hopefully house-trained pet can access said bed or couch (Not 'microwave oven') more easily. All I know is, we were always chasing our animals OFF beds, the couch, the kitchen counter, the top of the old cabinet stereo we had (okay, they never climbed on the kitchen counter or the cabinet stereo, but I like to use artistic license, what can I say?).

And now we're all supposed to shell out money so that our short-legged furry friends can get on the sofa or bed more EASILY? I will proceed to take this apart: Maybe people out there get little pint-sized runt dogs, because THEY DON'T WANT animals to get on the furniture. And, if you really really want Rover or Fido up on the bed, and Rover or Fido happens to be a small dog, how much can the dog weigh? In short, PICK UP THE DAMN ANIMAL AND PUT IT ON THE FURNITURE!!! Use your ARMS and lift your 5-or-10 pound pet UP, for cryin' out loud! And "Save, save, save", because you won't need "Doggie-Steps"!!!
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Of course, I'm the biggest hypocrite on the planet. I bought a carpet-sweeper, microwave oven and electric can opener for my new place recently. I also bought one of those Ronco record-washers many years ago. And it didn't do any better of a job than a washcloth and liquid soap. And I need a new TV remote, too, even tho I customarily only sit 4 feet away from the idiot box on which I hear all of those annoying late-nite commercials. I think I need one of those little vacuum robots which clean the house all by itself....HELP!!!!!! I NEED TOO MUCH!
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I had to add this little blurb that I just heard on the early, early, EARLY, NBC-insomniac news, and that is: Today is supposed to be the WORST DAY OF THE YEAR. "Experts", whoever they are, cite unkept New Years' resolutions, being broke, and lousy weather all heaping on the bad vibes. So, be warned. Today is Monday, which is ALWAYS bad. Only this Monday will be WORSE! Not a good day for someone to catch you stealing stuff, by any means.