Tuesday, December 05, 2006

...if I hear those...
once more, I'm gonna turn into a GRINCH!

Just lately, it's struck me how stupid some of the "secular" (politically-correct) Christmas songs that we hear, mostly against our wills, every December, actually are...so, here, in no particular order, I present my TOP FIVE STUPID CHRISTMAS SONGS...

"Winter Wonderland" features a moronic couple who actually go out to brave the blizzard, for the purpose of building a Snowman and pretending he's a "Parson". SAY WHAT??? Well, if the parson does the job when they're in town, and the couple gets married, I'd say they DESERVE each other!

"Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" earns its first demerit by having an ultra-repetitive, and ultimately nauseating, title. I know all of us snow-haters feel that way. In the song, the guy braves a howling blizzard to trudge to his girlfriend's place to pop some POPCORN? Say WHAT??? And after they finish "goodbye-ing", she sends him back out in the cold to trudge home, possibly getting lost and dying of frostbite. Yeah, that's practical, ain't it?

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is just INANE. I'm just sick of it, for no particular reason. Of course, one can imagine the teary-eyed disappointment each youngster feels when he learns that reindeer can't fly any more than George W. Bush can be an effective Prezzident. I am sure kids everywhere have suffered severe trauma in realizing that yes, Rudolph is but a myth. And, an EARTHBOUND myth at that.

"Feliz Navidad" was well-recorded, well-sung, and it's a bright and cheery tune, as sung by Jose Feliciano. Only, poor ol' Jose probably wishes he'd never recorded it, because it REPEATS THE SAME PHRASE AD NAUSEUM FOR 3 AND A HALF MINUTES. I'm sick of it after a MINUTE and a half.

"Jingle Bells", although tuneful, cites a circumstance I can't even imagine. Once, I went on a night-time hayride with a church group when I was a kid. It was October at the time, and I froze my *****'s off. So why would I wanna get into a sleigh and go "dashing through the snow", when it's COLDER? No Thanks. With my luck, I'd get a horse that had been fed "Beef-a-rino". (You Seinfeld fans will be able to relate to that one!)

But, never fear; I have found a way to make even the most idiotic Holiday dirge a fun, pleasant, and (relatively) harmless experience...imagine, if you will, in front of your Christmas Tree, the Beatles are all set up and ready to deliver their own versions of Christmas Carols...they begin with the chords to "Eight Days a Week", only to transform it into "Let It Snow!...". Or, they start off with the opening lick to "Baby's In Black", only to end up singing the lyrics to "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"...

Imagine, if you can, the Beatles opening with the rocking intro to "I Saw Her Standing There", only to have it transmogrify into "Rudolph...", or, perhaps, they do "Frosty The Snowman" in the style of "Mr. Moonlight"...how about "later" Beatles stylings; imagine the drone of sitars and tablas and other Indian instruments, a la "Sgt. Pepper", only instead, you hear the lyrics to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"?

Well, on the two CD's recorded by the Fab Four (a Beatles' sound-alike band) (one of which is visible at right), they do all that, and more. Their treatment of "Blue Christmas" is absolutely hilarious. If you've heard the "White Album", you're familiar with the 'shoo-be-doo' version of "Revolution"; here, the Fab Four take it and insert the lyrics to "Blue Christmas", which probably has Elvis doing cartwheels in his grave! One more hilarious Christmas "sendup" they do...if you're familiar with "Tomorrow Never Knows" from the "Revolver" album, the "Fabs" take that terminally weird and chaotic song and insert the lyrics from "Jingle Bells"! Hilarious stuff.

Aw, look at the hungry little birds: I went and fed the ducks and seagulls today. The ducks get desperately hungry in the cold. I sat in my car with the door open and tossed bread to them. The ducks were whimpering and stepping all over each other to get food. One duck actually climbed INTO MY CAR and leaped on me, trying to get food. I got to pet the duck. Awwwwww.....and after they've had their fill, they still hang around to get more, but they're calmer; I guess a full stomach tends to do that. The gulls squawk and scream, and they get bread too. And being surrounded by all of that bird-life makes me feel better somehow.

Relocation update: I haven't relocated yet. Duh! My real-estate woman tells me all is going according to plan, and that by mid-month, I won't be seeing snow in massive quantities anymore. It rains quite a bit where I'm headed...but, you don't have to SHOVEL rain, after all.


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