A realization of sorts...
...or yet, another bunch of New Years' reflections...

I wrote, in the previous post, that I had visited a local record shop, the owner of which is a friend of mine, and that another friend happened to be there, and we all spent a couple of hours in there, talking about music, record collecting, and various other things. The "other friend" of mine has known me for a while, and he's a pretty carefree, happy-go-lucky person. In short, totally unlike me. But, something he said to me just about knocked me on the floor, and what he'd said was so clairvoyant in nature, that it stunned me, and it's something I'm still thinking about.

I tried moving to Oregon a few years back, and ended up moving back here. I didn't know anyone there, I was in unfamiliar surroundings, and I just felt totally out of place. The Oregon Coast, which was such a beautiful place to vacation the previous year, felt "foreign" and "alien" to me when I tried to live there the following year. So I came back to CDA. I hated myself for not being "strong enough" to try something new, and I still have mixed emotions about that whole experience. As awful as CDA can be, it has always been home to me.

This friend of mine told me that I must have been going through some sort of agonizing mental pain before I initially went to Oregon, and that was why, initially, the Oregon Coast looked so good to me. He also said that when I tried to live down there, I couldn't, because I knew I was away from my home, Coeur d'Alene, which, for better or for worse, seems to be where I'm destined to be. And you know, he hit the nail right on the head, and coming from him, it SHOCKED me. Will wonders never cease...

The summer before I first went to the Oregon Coast (I went in September for a couple of weeks), my sister and I had gotten involved in a big fight, and it just hurt me to no end. This was about a year after our parents had died, and some extremely hurtful things were said. It's amazing, sometimes, how certain people in your life can hurt you so severely. The fight stemmed from some flowers I'd put at their gravesite, something my sister had taken exception to. Our family was always very good at hurting each other...

A few days later, I found myself riding my bike around CDA; I even went out to Garwood on the bike path; as I turned around and headed back towards town, I found myself heading to the cemetery on Gov't Way; I thought I'd stop by my parents' graves. Well, when I got there, I saw my sister's flowers were on their grave, and I didn't dare touch them, or even walk over to the grave. I thought, "she doesn't need me; no one needs me", and I rode off towards home. And the strangest thing happened. As I rode home, I heard, I actually HEARD, ocean waves inside my head. I have no idea where "that" came from...

So, about a month later, I went to Oregon. Spent time alone on the beach. Played my guitar on a jetty that extended far into the ocean. And I still have visions of the ocean. It is oddly compelling. I still think about moving away. I'm getting older, after all, and time "waits for no one". Yet, here I am, in CDA. Where things are familiar, where I know how to survive, where people I know are. Yet sometimes I get so depressed, I just "want to go away". But, my friend in the record shop was right. He told me, CDA is where my home is, and I realized that, and that's why I couldn't leave...

And so, I face a sort of "tug of war" every day. Content in CDA for the most part. After all, it is very beautiful here (when it isn't winter, that is!), and I know my way around here. Yet, I keep thinking I want to be somewhere else, just to prove to myself that I can actually do that. I have lived in this area, seen the same old mountains and lake for the last 40-odd years. And I love it here; City Park is the most wonderful place to be when the weather's good. What a strange life...

I just hope and pray for some sort of inner peace, no matter where I choose to be. I guess I keep "searching for a reason", but am most content when I'm not searching. Yet each day passes, the sun sets, and sometimes I just kinda wonder what I'm doing, y'know? So I'm hoping this coming year ends up making some sort of cosmic sense to me. And I hope that you have a good New Year as well. Here's a nice picture for you, seeing as you've been so patient with me here...


This old picture comes from around 1909. It's a picture of cottages "somewhere" on Lake Coeur d'Alene, although I have no idea WHERE, on CDA Lake this was. There's another post down below this one, where I posted an old black and white photo taken "somewhere" along the lake. So I need all the help I can get here. If you click on the photo, it expands. Anyway, I'd like to thank ya for stopping by this weird blogsite over the last year. Happy New Year.
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Well, that's it, the last post of the year. Turn out the lights, the party's over...and tomorrow starts the same damn thing again...