A MUSICAL TRAIN WRECK...
"I can't look away, I can't look away"...

"The record was playin' so loud and so clear
And it left a terrible taste in my ear
Though it's number one on our big hit parade,
It's the lousiest record that ever was made.
--Homer & Jethro, 1966

Whether or not it's a by-product of morbid curiosity, it is hard to look away from imminent disaster. Whether it be watching a scary movie with your hands in front of your eyes, but your fingers spread just far enough apart so you can see...or, driving past a gory traffic accident, we don't wanna look, but we just can't help ourselves. It's a spectacle, after all.

About 15 years ago, I worked off and on for a 2nd hand store that sold records. The owner had many albums laying around in the basement, and she paid me a little bit to help organize them. She also gave me record albums as partial payment. Hey, I'm easy, what can I say? One of the records I took for compensation was a strange-looking record, a 2-record set, with LONG songs, on a major label, by a group I'd never heard of before. Just the kind of thing that piques my interest. After all, I was taught to look for weird and strange music way back when I worked at the University of Idaho's campus radio station. I've been doing that ever since.

Anyway, I took this album home and played it. Gosh, I thought, "this is pretty bad". As a matter of fact, it was REALLY bad. So bad, that I had to play it again, because I couldn't believe it was actually that lousy. Musically, it's not bad (in places), but the lyrics...and most of all, the "singer" (in "quotes" because he barely qualifies), turns the proceedings into a musical TRAIN WRECK!

The first song is called "Halifax". It is about 20 minutes long. The singer screeches atonally at the top of his voice..."We'd like you to come to HAAAAAL-I-FAXXXXXX....masses of air moving EASTERLYYYYYYYY......."...and there's another part of the song where another of the group's singers goes on and on about "6-thousand miles of paved roads in HAAAAAAL-I-FAXXXXXX"...now, believe me, I've heard weird stuff before, but when I heard THIS, it just blew my mind. Huh? What????

I looked this band up on a website. It seems, back in 1970, word of mouth had spread to Columbia Records that this was a unique group, so Columbia, in its infinite wisdom, signed the Hampton Grease Band to a record deal. It was originally only going to be a single album. The band's "single" album had 3 long songs (including "Halifax") on it. So then, the Columbia execs decided to have the band record another record, and they'd put the album out as a "double".

Columbia wanted the Grease Band to record some "shorter" songs on the 2nd record, in hopes that the "shorter" songs might get airplay. Columbia couldn't just "flush" the first record, because they'd advanced the band $75,000 to record, and this was in 1970 dollars! So the band diligently re-entered the recording studio and recorded some more "songs" (in "quotes" because they barely qualify). One of the shorter songs had some really weird lyrics that went, "SPRAAAAAAY-PAIIIIIIINT, SPRAAAAAAAY-PAIIIIINT, contents under PRESSSSSSURE!!!"

As I watched the record spin round and round on my turntable, I thought, WHAT THE HELL?" Many years later (tonight, in fact) as I was reading about this group on a website, I found out two important things...the lyrics of the song "Halifax"...were taken from a publicity pamphlet about the city, which read, in part, "air masses moving eeeeeasterlyyyyyyy....", and the song about "Spray Paint", took its lyrics from the "caution instructions" on the side of a SPRAY PAINT CAN!

I am probably the only person in the Western United States that has this album. I understand it was reissued on CD. According to the website, the CD's liner notes say that "Music To Eat" by the Hampton Grease Band was the 2nd-worst-selling album that Columbia Records had ever issued. And, Columbia's been in business FOREVER, so they know all about lousy albums! (After all, Columbia recorded ROBERT GOULET, too!) And yeah, this "Grease Band" album is really BAAAAAD. So bad, in fact, that it becomes fascinating in a weird sort-of-way.

Whenever the band's singer is through honking, shouting, yelping and agonizing, the instruments take over, and you have two guitars zipping all over the place playing music that has a frenetic eastern-ragaish flavor, with each guitar's melody lines buzzing around each other, sorta like two blowflies in heat who've just discovered an animal carcass in the noonday sun. (nice picture, eh?)

Here it is...the infamous "MUSIC TO EAT" double-album by the Hampton Grease Band. Quite possibly the worst album EVER in the history of rock and roll. And, just as Columbia has issued a lot of records, I have heard THOUSANDS of albums...and believe me, I know a bad album when I hear one. This is a TRAIN-WRECK of an album. So bad, that I can't stop myself from hearing it once in a while. "We'd liiiiiike you to come to HAAAAAALIFAAAXXXXXXX!!!!"

Still, a record like this has a constructive purpose...if you want to get rid of annoying guests, all you gotta do is play this at top volume! (Careful, though, it might trip off air raid sirens!)