Wednesday, December 30, 2009

THE GRIM REAPER IS AFTER MY COMPUTER...
...strange things are happening to my Internet Machine...
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I've heard that the average lifespan of a computer is right around five years. And, no, my computer's not dead yet, but methinks it's beginning to show the signs of Old Age. I can't get most of the 'number' keys to work in Upper Case, which means I don't have any parenthesis, no dollar sign, and most outrageous of all, I have no "at" character which is so vital for writing e-mails and many other functions. I have a way around that for the time being; I can always copy my own e-mail address from my inbox and do sign-ins that way. But...all of a sudden some of my keys aren't working; I don't have an exclamation point or a dollar sign--insert exclamation point here--. Now I must use dashes instead of parenthesis. Some linguistical expert out there will read this post and say, "that's the wrong use for a DASH." I know, I know...
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Here it is, the homely little laptop computer I've pounded on since Spring, 2007. You can see the white spots on the "touch-mouse" and the "click" button just below it. The other wear spot, up near the slash key, comes from years of playing computer pinball, and that's where I rest my right hand. The forward-slash and the "Z" keys control, respectively, the right and left flippers. Great fun, by the way. This coming spring, I will have had this computer for 4 years. I know I bought an extended computer warranty some time ago. Maybe I'll have to call up Tech Support and listen to some foreign agent in a sweatshop in India and try my best to understand at least half of what he's saying. This poor little machine has served me well; it's been a real trooper. And even if I do get a new computer, I don't wanna lose my Windows XP...or my computer pinball game, so I'll have to find a way to transfer all of that, as well as my other programs. I guess Computers are like us living creatures; the longer life goes on, the more things Just Don't Work Anymore. For instance, I find I'm needing a new pair of Bi-focals more and more as time goeth on. HELP. --insert exclamation point after 'help'--.

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Whilst Roaming Around on the Internet, I found this disturbing picture in which a photoshopper re-mixed President Obama's face with that of someone who is, well, Not President Anymore. Yep, we've got some real sickos out there. Although as Mr. Obama ages and goes gray--and the Office of The President will do that to a person--will he 'morph' into a more Bush-like countenance? I'll tell ya what shocked me; I saw some footage on TV News that showed President Obama striding into some kind of appearance before the News Media, and he had on a suit coat and white shirt, but he was wearing NO TIE. It would've looked better if he'd unbuttoned the white shirt. As such, I was slightly taken aback. Actually, Obama can wear whatever he wants, I guess. But all the while, I'll be listening for the beginnings of a Texas Twang in his speeches.
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Regarding Our New President, I'm hopeful but skeptical. I don't like the fact we're going to war in Afghanistan; in short, we're just moving the conflict a couple of countries eastward. Well, actually not, for I don't see the end of conflicts in Iran for a long, long time. The group "Chicago" sang a song back in the 1970's called "Dialogue" in which a Seeker Of The Truth asks a young naive college student, "Don't It Make You Angry, The Way War Is Draggin' On?" to which the student replies, "Well, I Hope The President Knows What He's Into, I Don't Know". I guess No President will ever be able to once again Immediately End War. I'm thinkin', maybe we should get out of the Middle Eastern Countries and just let themselves blow each other up.
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Meanwhile, here at home, some fanatic was arrested for attempting to blow up a plane in mid-air, and it turns out the guy's Dad actually Told Our Government His Son Was Going To Do This, but news of that didn't come out until way after the fact. So, More Airport Security, Once Again. That, then, will offset the measure which was passed recently which would result in Airlines being FINED for making passengers wait waaay too long for their flights. Now, we'll have to beef up security again, so once again people will have to wait and wait and wait for the privilege of being body-scanned before eventually getting into something that resembles a plane. And the increase in security will probably negate any fines to the airlines. What a wacky world, huh?
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And so the year draws to a close. I remember back when 1999 became 2000. And now we're here in a hop, skip and jump. 2010. Some folks are saying this decade of the 00's is coming to an end, and we didn't even know what to call the last decade. Well...there was 9/11, the start of the War in Iran, An Economic mess here at home, a rising crime rate, a Republican President who just about ran this country into the ground...I'd call it the decade of the "oh-oh's". And what decade will we be in as of Midnight Thursday? The "10's"? For some reason, that doesn't sound right. But that's what we're gonna be in whether we like it or not.
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Do I have any New Years' resolutions? Well, I'd like to be a better guitar player, although if I was gonna be any better, I would be by now. But I don't practice enough. So my resolution would be to practice more? Well, first I would have to build up the resolve to practice more, and who knows how long it will take to actually build my resolve. But first I gotta get the house clean and that's gonna take a while. I saw the A-and-E program, "Hoarders" the other night, and I was shocked at how much my living room looked like that of some hopeless, depressed individual who buys waaay-too-much of everything and then just tosses everything on the floor 'till the mess overtakes them. I need to lose weight, too. I guess I've gotta resolve to start walking more. But that'll interfere with guitar practice and housecleaning...and all of the 'above' interferes with my blogging time, and as far as blog output, this year of '09 has been PATHETIC. So I resolve to blog more. Unless something happens to interfere with that. Okay, Strike all of the above. I'll just take things day-to-day and see what happens. And maybe that's something we all should do more. Just take it day by day.
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This will be my last post of the year. In this blog's next year, it will have achieved the level of 1,000 posts. I've maintained this blog since 2005 and feel that in some ways, I'm just spinning my wheels here....running out of ideas. I haven't posted regularly, so when I DO blog, the posts come out much too long, as is the case here. So while I ponder all of that, Years' End approacheth nigh, and I'll wish ya and yers a Happy-and Safe-New Years...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

THERE WAS ONCE A HOUSE ON THE COAST...
...a Christmas Holiday post of sorts...

There once was a house on the coast
"Look what I built here", he'd boast
It burned down and then
He built it again
But once more it went up in a roast.
--Composed by someone who's obviously mentally deranged...
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The year was 1907. A Lumber-bigwig, Louis J. Simpson, began building a big house on the Southern Oregon Coast long, long ago. It was a Christmas present for his wife. Some present! The mansion was located on a bluff approximately 75 feet above the ocean. In its place now is the Shore Acres State Park Visitors' center, and that's the place I went today. He had some pretty deep pockets, did Mr. Simpson, for the mansion included a 26'x52' swimming pool, a greenhouse, tennis courts off to the left of the mansion and numerous other amenities.
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The mansion burned down in July 1921. His wife died in April of 1921. No one knows if the house was torched, or consumed in a fire set by Nature. Strange how those sort of things work out. Perhaps Mr. Simpson couldn't bear to be in the mansion where his wife had lived anymore? Or was it all some bizarre Act Of Nature? We'll never know. It's almost 90 years since the place burned down. Mr. Simpson was a real trooper, however; in 1927, he built a second mansion on the same site; by that time he'd gotten married again and had moved his new wife in.
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Then, in 1942, the U.S. Army closed the road accessing this part of the coast, at which time, the Simpsons moved just up the coast, close to where I now live; in the same district, in fact. Meanwhile, the 'second mansion' became a barracks and an officer's club, now that the Army had the run of the property. In 1948, after suffering tons of wear and tear from rowdy soldiers, along with the beating coastal houses take from the weather, the mansion was 'razed'; it needed too many repairs. The concrete that was poured for the Shore Acres Tennis Courts is still there, tho. The courts are right next to the cliff's edge, and erosion is already beginning to creep underneath the northwest corner of the slab. Imagine my surprise when I first saw the little wooden sign that said "Site of Shore Acres Tennis Courts" back in 2002, when I first came to this part of the Coast; I had no idea of the area's history back then.
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Time marches ever onward, both ominously and fatalistically, with just a small touch of "Cosmic irony" tossed in for flavor. Consider the following: Mr. Simpson's first wife died three months before the demise of the 'first mansion'; she passed away in April, 1921. And, get this: the 'second mansion' was razed in December 1948, and Mr. Simpson died one month later, in January, 1949. And, he hadn't lived on the mansion site for the previous 6 YEARS. Hmmm...I wonder if that second mansion also 'burned down'? Suffice it to say that all of this reminds me of the title of a Bob Dylan song: "Simple Twist Of Fate".
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Upper Left, the First Simpson Mansion, located about as close to the coast as is possible, c.1910. The color phot0 was taken by me, looking northward; I was standing just left of where the mansion perched so many years ago.
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So, what does any of this have to do with Christmas? Well, Shore Acres State Park (accessible only by a twisty, undulating, narrow two-lane road) is where the yearly Christmas Lights Display takes place. So you think you've seen a lot of Christmas lights so far this year? Hah. How about a quarter-million lights? That's what is done here, and the rest of this posting will be Christmas-lights-oriented, in spite of the fact that I'm an old Grumpy Grinch...some of the photos are quite dark, so if you can't make out the details, click on each photo; they'll get really big, really fast...
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Framed in Christmas lights, the original Gardener's house c.1910 (upper left), and a picture of it sporting a couple thousand Christmas lights. Gardener's house? I told ya Mr. Simpson was loaded. In the old picture are the gardens which basically surrounded the Gardener's house. Inside that house, volunteers served up hot apple cider or cold fruit punch; it was a cold night, so you can guess what I took...
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Before we traipse around in the Garden, though, here a couple of shots from inside the gardener's house; it's very quaint, and it's easy to imagine what an old-fashioned Christmas 'felt' like long ago. Upper Left, the fireplace, and Upper Right, a sitting room/bedroom, the window of which looks out over the Christmas lights below. I took my time walking through this ages-old structure, which was built before transistor radios, eight track tapes, World War II and The Great Depression...well, the 'first' Great Depression...not the one the country's currently in...
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Above left, the view across the Lighted Gardens looking westward towards the Pacific Ocean. Above right, some of the 250,000 lights placed here by dedicated, selfless (and possibly a bit crazy) volunteers. The lights are all taken down soon after New Years' Day, and planning for the next Christmas Lights Display begins before January comes to an end. Told ya the volunteers are prob'ly a bit crazy...
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Unlike Biblical times, I did not turn into a pillar of salt when I looked back ("Lot's Wife", I believe was who that happened to). Anyway, upper left, looking back at the Gardener's house...that 'thing' on top of the house is a Neon Pelican. At right, three more pelicans. This, like other displays here, features "moving creatures"; elsewhere in the Lighted Gardens are 'moving' seals and dolphins. Hmm. "Neon Pelicans"...sounds like a great name for a rock band.
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Finally, at left, here's tonight's sunset, looking southwest from where the Simpson Mansion stood. The skies were fairly clear over the coast this evening, and things were cooling off really fast. If I had the time and energy, every post would be as detailed and as picturesque as this one. I don't 'toot my horn' very much; I am but a humble blog-servant after all, but I'm really proud of this post, and I guess this is my Weird and Wacky way of saying "Merry Christmas" to Everyone Out There.
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BEFORE ENDING THIS POST, SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT:
New Years' Eve is coming up; I've heard it referred to as "Amateur Night", in which people who never carouse and get alcoholically wild do just that. Don't drive impaired, ever, but especially, don't drive impaired on New Years' Eve. I remember driving home drunk, and sometimes stoned, but I was lucky; some nights I couldn't see past the hood of my car as it crept homeward...and how I never got a "DUI", I'll never know. As a working musician who's played a lot of New Years' Eve gigs, take my word for it; there are more crazy drivers out there than usual on that night. "Amateur Night" indeed. I have NEVER driven drunk on a New Years' Eve. And it's been over 15 years since I've drunk at all. Oh, the tales I could tell...
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The first "DUI" takes thousands of dollars, years of time, and endless major court-related hassles to get past. So I was stupid but lucky. I didn't get caught or kill anyone with my car. On New Years' Eve, there'll be more cops out, 'cos there'll be more revelers out. More cops to write tickets, and more drunk drivers to either get arrested, or kill innocent people, like You. And Me. Maybe the reason I've survived this long is to tell everyone, " Don't Drive Drunk on New Years' Eve. Or any other time." You're basically tossing the dice drinking and driving, and usually, the dice are weighted against you. So please take care. Please?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

G'BYE, MR. GIBSON; WE HARDLY KNEW YE...
...hopefully, ABC will have a nice retirement package for ya...
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ABC-TV anchorman Charles Gibson stepped down from his lofty position a couple of days ago. I had no idea he was going to do that. Just when you get used to someone...anyway, he reported in a newscast earlier last week on something that I've always suspected: The sound level of TV commercials is louder than the TV programs they're scattered throughout. I'd always thought so, and now it's a fact. Mr. Gibson reported that relatively soon, that won't be the case anymore. Commercial sound volume will soon have to be broadcast at the same sound level as the program the commercials are interrupting. That's great! Take it from one who knows: I survived countless Wisk Detergent Commercials; you know, the ones that used that annoying little phrase sung to the tune of "Nee-ner Nee-ner-NEE-NER". The phrase? It's timeless... "Ring Around The COLLAR!!!"
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On an average evening, I'll be sitting in the TV room with the volume way down because my parrot is sleeping in his covered cage. I'll have the TV program volume turned way down so the bird can dream of silver-plated perches or endless fields of Sunflower seeds or whatever birds dream about, and more often than not, I've gotta turn the telly down some more during the commercial breaks. Then the program continues, and I have to turn it up once again, since the commercials I had to turn down were so much louder than the program to begin with. I've noticed on some of the cable channels, I get blitzed with huge commercial breaks, two every half-hour (or more) , and during those breaks, you can resole your shoes, bake some muffins, make yourself a fruit smoothie and still be able to get back to the TV before the program resumes. During some of the more unbearable commercial breaks, I just hit the mute button. I accept that Dogs Bark. I don't like it when People do. Woof.
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Posting this news-themed diatribe made me think of an old tired joke that my Dad once told me. Something about a condemned prisoner who was told that his hanging was postponed...the prisoner said, "No Noose is Good Noose." You may now groan if you wish...
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So Charlie Gibson stepped down from ABC. He's the most recent iconic talking head to turn away from network news. Oh, how the mighty have disappeared: Jennings, Koppel, Cronkite, Brokaw, and so many others. Brian Williams exudes a certain seriousness, and once he leaves the anchor chair, will anyone be out there who's qualified to replace him? I'm sure there will be...I can just see it now; David Schuster anchoring NBC Nightly News someday. Ackthptf!!! What a frickin' nightmare that would be...

Friday, December 11, 2009

McDONALDS' SAUSAGE-EGG McMUFFINS...
...if it's true everyone has a vice, well, that's mine...

Can it be true? If it is, McDonald's might just be gettin' my business more often. I'm not a big fan of their little wimpy dollar hamburgers, each which has about as much meat as Twiggy has body fat. I love the secret sauce in the Big Macs, but from all the medical stuff I read, those "sandwiches" have more cholesterol than the Great Salt Lake has salt. But I'm not here to talk about the Big Mac...although if you wanna buy me one, I won't turn it down. Anyway, according to a blurb in today's newspaper, Micky-D's is gonna be selling selected breakfast items (heretofore available only until 10am) all day long! I think that's glorious. Especially if one of those items is the SAUSAGE-EGG McMUFFIN. And it just might end up on the good ol' Dollar Menu. Gosh, those things are tasty. I used to have two of 'em for breakfast back when I drove Cab.
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A taxi-cab shift is 12 hours long, and those Sausage-Egg McMuffins were the high spot of my day. Well, that and any big tips I might've managed to get from fares, which didn't happen too often, since as a Daytime Cabbie, most of my customers were Senior Citizens who weren't exactly the most cost-effective customers; they all got flat-rates instead of metered fares, and most of them wouldn't tip. Some days all of my fares were seniors; it was entirely possible to rack up less than $80 dollars worth of fares in a day's time. Do the math: I made 10% commission on each fare. Which didn't leave a whole lot of money left over for those relatively meatless tiny McDonald's almost-hamburgers. But if Sausage-Egg McMuffins are gonna start showing up on the Dollar Menu and are served all day, well...just the thought makes me excrete more saliva than Pavlov's dog when Pavlov rang the bell...hey hey hey!
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So McDonald's is changing its tactics slightly. They've had a sales slump over the last year. It probably doesn't help things any that "Jack-In-The-Box" has been airing commercials, one of showing "Jack" and his entourage trying to order breakfast at McDonalds after 10am. Hah. Fat chance of that. At the end of the commercial, Jack and crew pull up to another McD's drive-thru, and upon being told that they don't serve breakfast items after 10am, Jack says, "Do you know of a place that does?" and the drive-thru clerk says, "Jack-In-The-Box". Point, set, match. Sometimes Capitalism can really slam-dunk ya, which is obviously what happened to McDonald's. So perhaps I'll be able to get my Sausage-Egg McMuffin at noon, 5 o'clock, or perhaps I can grab a couple of 'em after my evening jam sessions. Who says you can't have Breakfast for Dinner?
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My biggest-ever cab fare, as far as tips go, was on a summer afternoon. I got called to a motel where the guy was staying; he had me take him to a Wendy's drive-in, and then had me take him to a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Prior to our journey, he put a couple hundred dollars on the front passenger seat, which, well, didn't happen every day. A multi-destination fare usually involved running the clock (billing in 'real' time), rather on just a fare-by-fare basis. By the time I'd taken him to the fast-food joints and billed him for real-time, his fare came to something like $60. The cost of all the fast-food was fairly negligable in light of the $200 that would cover it. Evidently this guy had worked the Big Grain Harvest, and came to town loaded with megabucks to spend. I drove him back to the motel, he got out with his food, and left close to $70 on the front Passenger seat. He said "Thank Ya", and I told him, "hey, you've left a lot of $$$ on the seat here"...he said, "keep it, come back later on and party with me"...talk about a danger signal...I maintained my dignity, told him, "Thanks, take care", and I got out of there fast. I felt a little guilty, but all that cash made my guilt just kinda go away. Funny how that works...
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That was one of those days where I couldn't help thinking that the reason I held out for the lower-revenue day shifts was so that I could avoid all the weirdos that come out at night. Guess not, huh?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

NO WONDER IT'S BEEN COLD OUT...
...another look back to this date in 1980...

Brrrr. It's that time of year. Last Summer is far away, as is next Summer. This is that part of year that just drags on and on and on. And on. Rainy days are warmer, but they're rainy, so that's no fun. Clear days when the Sun's out are c-c-c-cold, shiver, brrrrr. This is also the time of year that a lot of us music fans don't really want to face. Yeah, this is another blog about The Beatles. On November 29th, George Harrison passed away back in 2001, and now a week and a half later, TODAY, December 8th, we mark the 29th anniversary of the date John Lennon was ripped out of his life, and our lives. Can it be 29 years, really? This is the part of the blog that's always hard to write, for it's difficult to find new angles and insights; they've all been debated ad nauseam, but the facts are: Number one, Lennon's Dead. Number two, That means he's gone forever. And three, "That's it". I find it highly ironic that the relentlessly cynical and acerbic John was the first to depart this planet; can't you imagine how much more interesting the world would be if he were still alive?

Except that it isn't "it". John Lennon and George Harrison keep springing back to life, and, well, that's good, I suppose. The Beatles' Apple Organization keeps finding new ways to market the group. Innovative ways, even. The only 'rub' is, there's no way to update the catalogue, and with two members dead, a 'reunion' is impossible. The closest that came to happening is when George and John played on "I'm The Greatest", a song on Ringo's "Ringo" album, released in 1973. Fast forward to 1995, and the "Threetles" (three surviving Beatles) did their level best to incorporate two unfinished John Lennon songs onto finished records. The songs, "Free As A Bird" and "Real Love" are too little too late. Sure, both songs were interesting, and rabid record collectors such as I raced out to get 'em. But, Lennon's voice was recorded into one of those cheap little cassette recorders, and no much you try to improve the sound of an inferior recording, there's only so much you can do with it. It's nice to have those songs, but I've always thot the use of a Dead Guy to back up his Live Bandmates is, well, kinda creepy. I'm not sure I really consider those to be Beatles songs. But at the time, it was one heck of a marketing idea. The Fabs were back on TV! Unreleased tracks were being released! Two New Songs featuring Lennon's exhumed voice! Buy 'em now, kids!

In 2003, Paul McCartney re-worked the "Let It Be" album, removing current inmate Phil Spector's production touches. And, Paul included John's "Don't Let Me Down" in the strangely titled "Let It Be Naked" album, which was only fitting, because although the song had been featured numerous times in the movie, it was never put on the original "Let It Be" album. So although I didn't like the New Album's title, a good job was done on that one. It even included a separate disc of rehearsals and (brief) out-takes. That, plus achingly crystal-clear sound on the re-produced tracks gave the project a certain legitimacy. Although why did they have to use the word "Naked"? I think we're all still trying to forget the fact that John and Yoko posed nude on an album cover long, long ago. Those weren't exactly the two best-looking bodies in the Universe.

In 2001, Apple decided to re-release all the Beatles' songs that reached #1 somewhere, anywhere in the world. That ploy sold tons of albums then, and it still sells today. In fact, "The Beatles 1" is the biggest-selling album of the Decade Of The "00's". (Can this decade be over already? Gosh, how time flies.) And, finally, The Beatles (well, 2 of them along with Yoko and Olivia--George's wife) decided to Release The Whole Beatles Catalog All Over Again, but only this time, make them sound better than they ever have, so that old collectors like me will wanna toss away the Beatles' older-version albums and buy the New Versions! For me, The Beatles' Remasters discs sound just like the original CD's that came out in the 1990's, only turned up a bit. And, now there's this whole "Rock Band" thing. There's a TV commercial depicting members of a family playing "Beatles Rock Band" and whose face is on the screen but John Lennon singing away during Beatlemania. Don't the dead get respect anymore? Imagine when the kids in the family find out John Lennon is Dead. I'll bet their parents don't know that, either. This is the stuff that sells these days, though, and I suppose I can't begrudge people who try to make a buck off something or other.

Now, 'Beatles.com' wants me to shell out ninety bucks for a special Beatles "Box of Vision" which is specially designed to contain All The Beatles' Remasters Discs. You would have to have bought them all separately, because, elsewhere, I can pay another special price and get All Of The Beatles' Remastered Discs all packaged up nicely inside a Special Box of its own, and from what I've seen, the 'Box of Vision' won't hold the Box that the special Boxed Set comes in. (I'm serious about this!) Yeah, the 'Box of Vision' features tons of photos and commentary, but gosh...doesn't it stop somewhere? I guess not. When You Are a Beatle, You can have Eternal Life, I guess. Bypass the church completely. I bought the big 'Beatles Anthology' book back in 1999; I've bought almost all of the books on Beatles' Records issued by Bruce Spizer (they're all fantastic!), and wonder of wonders, whilst shopping at Goodwill a couple weeks ago, I came across "The Beatles", a 500-page biography by Bob Spitz (it came out in 2005), and I'm wondering what I'll find there that's not in Bruce Norman's "Shout! The Beatles in their generation" which came out in 1981, and was updated in the mid-'90s. (And yeah, I bought that updated version, foole that I am...)

The way The Beatles have been marketed down through the years simply amazes me. It leaves me quite dumbfounded, actually. The songs are timeless, the music holds up, and it still sounds great on the radio. So the Beatles still live on, if only on the "Rock Band" game. Now, the Rolling Stones have a different strategy when it comes to longevity...they are just gonna stay together forever, no matter how old they get. Don't break a hip onstage, Mick! As long as Keith Richards can keep his balance, I 'spose the Stones are Viable as a unit, although, if Richards is still alive is debatable...maybe what you see in concert is a puppet, with earnest Stones employees manipulating Richards' body from above with clear plastic strings attached to "Keith". I have a 2001 Rolling Stones' Madison Square Garden concert, and I swear, Keith Richards is bent over for 2/3's of the show. Of course we all remember his vacation when he fell out of a tropical tree, landed on his head and nothing happened. Life goes on, even for a Rolling Stone.
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I've been in a strange head-space lately. This is my first blogpost in over a week. I'm going to have to try and find out why I am too busy to blog. So what do I do? I overcompensate for the errors of my ways by making my entries (when I do post) waaaay too long. So, next time you visit my blog, bring a sack lunch. It could take a while for ya to get through. Now, I'll stop before I bore myself. 'Bye now...y'all come back now, y'hear?

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

PRO FOOTBALL POST-GAME SHOWS...
...someone tell me why so many warm bodies are needed?
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I'm talking primarily about Fox's Sunday post-game sports reports, but this can also apply in varying degrees to the Other Networks as well, and the topic boundaries can also include pre-game and halftime shows. I remember waaay back when, during Monday Night Football, Howard Cosell would broadcast enjoyable and understandable analysis, together with clips of each football game played on the preceding Sunday. Then, he'd toss it back to Frank Gifford, who, with Dandy Don Meredith, might briefly comment on the First Half of the Monday night game, just in time for the Second-Half Kickoff. But I 'spose that was before this age of Information, in which we all get excruciatingly detailed analysis of Everything All Of The Time.
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What I've always wondered, is WHY a halftime host needs FIVE OTHER PEOPLE do a tightly-formatted football analysis program. They each only get about 20 seconds to say something, anything, and that's IT. Cram it all in there, guys. Experts they may all be; Terry Bradshaw had a phenomenal run at Pittsburgh, back when he had hair (Long, long ago). And when did Howie Long, another halftime guy, play? I remember the name, and he still looks the same, with that stupid block-haired cut he sports (he could stand on his head without using his hands). And former Dallas head coach Jimmy Johnson still sports that heavily varnished head of hair. He's never had it cut; it was smothered in Varathane long, long ago. And I LIKE those old football guys, but when anyone has to speak in Sound Bytes, things fast become unlistenable. Howard Cosell probably never even Touched a football, yet the job he did by himself is Better than what I'm seeing on TV these days.
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After squeezing in their comments, the ex-jocks then start throwing verbal jabs at each other in best locker-room fashion, and then the host has to shout over everyone as he tries to find a graceful way to end the segment before tossing things back to the network, 'cos all them commercials have gotta be crammed in there somehow. Talk about Bad TV. In a way, these ridiculously-hyper game inserts where everyone has to talk a million miles an hour are just Not Natural. All I, or anyone else needs is to hear the score, perhaps a one-or-two sentence recap of the games, and that's it. And, why have all those guys sitting around the set, if the time they get to make their points is probably shorter than the time it takes to ignite a piece of onionskin paper? I would rather hear One Guy, speaking at a normal rate, give a brief report of all Sunday's games and then get the viewers ready for Second-half action. Howard Cosell used to do that. Say what you want about Cosell, but I think he did a great job. So, although I'll be watching pro football next week, I'll constantly have my finger hovering above the mute button. Guys, don't make me use it.
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This is the age where we over-analyze Everything. When I hear the phrase, "In-Depth-Coverage", I run for cover, 'cos I know I'm gonna be buried by an onslaught of verbage, detail, and too much information. This is what the cram-it-all-in Pre-game, Half-time or Post-game inserts try to do; they wanna tell me everything I ALREADY KNOW 'COS I'VE WATCHED THE GAME!!! And if I haven't, if I know who's won or lost, that's all I really need. But most of all, why have all those guys they really don't need on program inserts that take up less time than it takes to Boil An Egg (3 minutes, right?) Honestly, the Pre-Game, Half-Time and Post-Game shows are harder to watch than any 5 minutes of the early-morning TV shows, where there's only a little bit of time per subject, and guest-interviews are hurried along to the point of Total Absurdity. I don't know about you, but stuff like that is difficult for me to watch, let alone endure for any length of time.
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The reason I'm not a Hypocrite here is because, although this post probably doesn't need to be as long as it is, I didn't need 5 other people to write it, and you can take all the time you want, not just 3 or 5 minutes, to read and absorb my wide assortment of petty gripes. And we'll get back to the game after this...(insert commercial here)